#st-peter

There was a huge earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery, which was destroyed... All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, ""Let's go through the entry test as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with little boys?"" Forty-nine hands went up. ""Okay, right!"" said St Peter. ""You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!""

Three nuns die and go to heaven Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says ""Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."" The first nun says ""I want to be Sophia Loren"" and POOF she's gone. The second says ""I want to be Madonna"" and POOF she's gone. The third says ""I want to be Sara Pipalini."" St Peter looks perplexed. ""Who?"" asks St Peter ""Sara Pipa…

Henry ford meets god Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, ""Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."" Ford thinks about it, and says, ""I want to hang out with God Himself."" So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford asks God, ""When you invented Woman, what wer…

Steve Jobs dies and goes to Purgatory (Heard this way before he died) Eventually St. Peter comes to him and lets him know that he's done a lot of good things for the world and caused a lot of trouble, so they're not sure where to put him. He lets him get a tour of heaven and hell and let him decide where he wants to be. So Steve goes on a tour of heaven and it's nice. Not great, but nice. Clouds, cherubs, harps and all that. Then he goes down to hell and everything is beautiful Warm beaches, bea…

So Jesus and St. Peter go out to play golf Jesus and St. Peter go to play golf one day. St. Peter tees off first and hits a beautiful drive straight down the fairway and lands perfectly 3 feet away from the hole. ""Good job,"" says Jesus, ""now let me see what I can do."" Jesus tees off and shanks miserably. The ball bounces off a tree and lands near a squirrel that proceeds to pick it up. As it is running off, a hawk suddenly swoops down and snatches the up the squirrel and starts flying toward…

3 Men are at heaven's gate St peter says to the first one, ""You can enter heaven if you can tell me the real meaning of Easter"". The man responds, ""That's when Santa brings toys to all the good girls and boys"". St. peter responds, ""No, that's not even the right holiday. You can't get into heaven."" St. peter turns to the second man and asks the same question. The man responds, ""That's when the Easter bunny gives painted eggs to the kids."" St peter responds, ""That has nothing to do with t…

Getting into Heaven: what's the worst thing you've done? These 3 guys have died and are waiting to get into heaven, and St. Peter has his checklist, marking off items to see if they can pass though the pearly gates. Peter asks the first one, ""What's the worst thing you did during your life?"" and the guy answers, ""Well, once I cheated on my wife."" ""ah-huh, and when was that?"" Peter asks, penciling that in on is clipboard. The guy says, ""Oh, about 20 years ago"" And Peter writes that down, …

You also need a potato... So Bob dies and goes to heaven, but before he can get in, he's stopped by St. Peter, who has a few questions. ""All right Bob,"" says Peter, ""first off, on what grounds are you applying for admission to heaven?"" ""Well, sir,"" says Bob, ""I was kind of relying on Jesus to help me out there..."" ""Ah, excellent,"" says Peter. ""Now let me see... ah, that lets us skip over questions 2 through 14... now, on to question 15... Do you like mashed potatoes?"" ""Mashed potato…

Stop me if you've heard this one before. Jim was suspicious that his wife had been cheating on him. He took off from work early to see if he could catch her in the act. Driving up to his apartment Jim caught a glimpse through an open window of a strange man walking around in his dining room. Now convinced his wife has been unfaithful, Jim stormed into the building and raced up the stairs. Fumbling with his keys at first, Jim burst through the door to find his wife standing in the hallway covered…

Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says ""You get to choose which place you want to go to. I'll show you each place today and you can sleep on it and decide tomorrow."" So he takes them to heaven and everybody's sitting on gold jeweled thrones playing harps and singing God's praises. They both say ""Oh, this looks good."" But St. Peter insists on bringing them to the other place. The Devil answers the door and brings them to a big banquet hall with every kind of food a…

A CEO goes to heaven... A CEO passes away and goes to heaven. There's a line to get in, but he's not used to waiting in lines and figures this must be a line for all those other people. He bustles on up to the head of the line, but St. Peter sees him and stops him. ""Hey, what do you think you're doing?"" ""Well, I am - was - CEO of ..."" ""That doesn't make any difference up here, we're all equal. Go to the back of the line, unless you have somewhere else to go..."" So he goes to the back of th…

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day.... They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, ""Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks."" The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground. The first woman goes in and lasts a week and steps on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest m…

An old man has been waiting in line to get into heaven for so long, that when the time came for his name to be looked up in the big book, he couldn't remember it St. Peter was a bit frazzled and could not figure out what to do. So he calls Jesus over to help him out. Jesus begins to ask the man some questions in order to jog his memory in hopes to find his name. Jesus: ""did you have any children?"" Man: ""just one...a wonderful boy."" Jesus: ""hmm, alright let's press on. What was your occupati…

Michaelangelo, Albert Einstein, and George W. Bush die and end up at heaven's gate... Michaelangelo walks up to the gate and St. Peter tells him. ""Listen, we have had some recent intruders faking who they were. Is there any way you can prove that you are the real Michaelangelo?"" Michaelangelo requests a board and he then proceeds to draw the most beautiful painting ever seen by St Peter. St Peter tells him, ""Congratulations! Welcome to heaven."" Next comes Albert Einstein and St Peter proceed…

An old man dies and reaches the gates of heaven. He is quite confused and doesn't remember things too well. St Peter asks him the routine questions, but doesn't get anywhere. So he tells him ""Never mind, I'll take you to the boss"" and brings him to Jesus. Jesus starts asking questions. ""Hello old man. Do you remember your name?"" The old man replies ""No... not really... something that starts with J... I remember that people didn't call me by my real name..."" ""Mmmm... what did you do for a …

Bill Gates dies in a car accident, He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. ""Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."" Bill replied, ""Well, what's the difference bet…

When Mother Theresa died and got to the Pearly Gates, she was stopped by St Peter. He told her, ""Before I let you in, I need to ask you a few questions."" As he was saying this, Mother Theresa looks over his shoulder and sees Princess Di. She exclaims to Peter, ""Why am I out here answering questions after everything I've done in my life and Princess Di is already inside with a halo on her head?"" Peter looks over his shoulder, then turns to Mother Theresa and say's, ""That ain't a halo, it's a…

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to wh…

A priest and driver died A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you ar…

Heaven or Hell? While walking down the street one day, a political head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to Heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in."" says the politician. ""Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do…

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, ""Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them. St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes…

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates. St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself. St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest. St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.

Three men die on Christmas Day As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y. They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvise. So the first man digs into his pockets, and pulls out a set of keys, and he shakes them and says, ""See? They jingle like jingle bells."" So Peter tells him that will work a…

A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him so he comes home early from work one day... His wife meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. ""Where is he?"" he demands. ""Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?"" ""I don't know what you're talking about, dear,"" she answers, so the guy tears the house apart looking for him. Finally, he's on the second floor in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees a guy sitting in a Volkswagen. ""That's him,"" the guy thinks. ""That's the…

Three nuns die and go to the pearly gates St. Peter stops them at the gate. ""Okay, I know you're nuns, but you all must answer a biblical question before I allow you in."" He turns to the first nun. ""Who was the first man?"" She waves her hand. ""Ooh, thats an easy one. Adam!"" ""That's correct!"" Peter says, and then trumpets blare and the gates swing open. The first nun enters. The gates close. Peter turns to the 2nd nun. ""Who was the first woman?"" The 2nd nun waves her hand. ""Ooh, thats …