#st-peter

A train hits a bus full of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "" Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, ""Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."" St. Peter says, "" Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."" St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, ""Jennifer, have you ever had any c…

Three guys are out jogging... ...and they turn a corner and are hit by a truck, killing all three. They are then standing in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first one, ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first answers, ""Honestly, at least twice a week, every week that I was married. I just couldn't help myself!"" St. Peter says, ""We know, that's why you get a moped to ride around Heaven with."" The guy jumps on the moped and rides off. To the next, St.…

This was told to me by a 10 year girl while waiting in line to pay for gas. A big shot rich guy died and went to the pearly gates, St Peter told him he was going to hell for greed. The guy is like, "" Evey one has it his price how much to get in?"" St Peter replied, ""Sorry, Pre-Pray only""

A Zebra In Heaven A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him ""You know, I have always wondered, am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"" St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him. So the zebra asked God, ""God, am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"" God answered, ""You are what you are."" The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, ""Well I asked God if…

Story for St. Peter Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day and they only let in a certain amount per day so St. Peter says, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I c…

God's Flawed Design The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, ""Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ""I want to hang out with God."" St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, ""Hey, aren't you…

St. Peter There was a catholic church in Mexico that wasn't doing to well. The Priest wrote a letter to the vatican saying that they needed help to get there attendance up. The vatican responded saying ""Send one of your nuns to pick up a relic of our religion."" The very next day the priest sent a nun to pick up the relic. When the nun got to the vatican they gave her a small chest with the beard of St. Peter. On her way back curiosity got the best of the nun and she oped the chest to see what …

Three dudes die. One is a doctor, the other is a surgeon, and the last is an HMO. St. Peter greets them and explains they can't get into heaven just yet. They each need to do something first. St. Peter turns to the doctor, ""You were a good doctor, but you didn't always make time for your patients, and some of them dies because of it. You must apologize to them all before you can enter."" The doctor agrees and an angel takes him to the patients. Next, St. Peter speaks to the surgeon, ""You were …

skipping church Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, …

A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven. St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions. The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. ""Why do you have a wall there?"" asked the man. St Peter sighed and said, ""That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here.""

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, ""Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."" So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming…

Three nuns die and go to heaven... ...where St. Peter greets them and informs them that in order to get into heaven, they must answer a question apeice. The first nun, who happens to be a novice nun, goes first. ""For you,"" says Peter, ""an easy question, because of your short time as a nun. Who were the first two people?"" ""That's easy,"" replies the nun excitedly. ""Adam and Eve."" ""Congratulations,"" says Peter, ""You're in."" He beckons the second nun forward. The second nun has been with…

A golfer and heaven A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, ""Are you a good golfer?"" The man replied: ""Got here in two, didn't I?

A Cab Driver and a Priest are going to Heaven. The Cab Driver steps up to St. Peter, states his name and how he died. St. Peter checks him off the lists, and turns around. He grabs a beautiful silken robe, and a golden staff encrusted in jewels, before turning back around. ""Here, enjoy Heaven."" The Cab Driver walks away as the Priest steps up to state his name and how he died. St. Peter grabs a Burlap Sack and a Wooden Stick. ""Wait, wait, wait a minute."" The Priest argues. ""I've been a man …

3 young lads trying to get into heaven. One Christmas eve three young fellas were out on the crawl drinking and partying. All at once a bus came and killed them outright. They came to St Peter at the pearly gates and he told them there was no entry unless they had a Christmassy item to give him. The first fella rumaged in his pockets and pulled out his keys, he shook them and said, 'These are Christmas bells.' The second man pulled out his lighter, held the flame in the air and said, 'It is the …

Elderly Couple Go to Heaven Together They both arrive at the pearly gates together and meet Saint Peter, who says ""Let me show you around"" He pointed to a mansion and said ""That will be your house, located next to the country club."" The old man asks, ""and how much will that cost?"" St Peter replies, ""oh there's no charges, it's free, you're in heaven"". He adds, ""the country club has no fees or costs either"" The old man is really happy by now and asks about food. St Peter says, ""Althoug…

In line at The Pearly Gates... are 3 men. The first approaches St. Peter who says,""Tell me, what did you do in life?"" The man explains that he was a priest. St. Peter shakes his hand and ushers him to a waiting escort. The second man steps up. The same question is asked and he explains that he was a doctor. Again he receives a simple hand shake and a single escort. The third man steps forward and explains that he was a lawyer. Suddenly Peter gets very excited. A band comes rushing out of the g…

And so Christmas Season Begins Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and sai…

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day.. Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, ""I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes."" ""And what is your wife's name?"" St. Peter asks. ""Penny,"" the man replies. ""Penny?!!"" shou…

Three men died on Christmas Eve... Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It's a candle"", he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates"" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook …

St. Peter and the Lawyer A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. ""There must be some mistake,"" the lawyer argues. ""I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five."" ""Fifty five?"" says Saint Peter. ""No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two."" ""How's you get that?"" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: ""We added up your time sheets.""

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck. Three guys got into a car crash and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said ""Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck."" The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, ""Now you must stay handcuffed…

Three men died in a car accident. So they ascended into heaven and stood in front of St Peter. "" After I let you in, there will be three room. Each of you will be assigned to one room."" Said St Peter, ""in the room, there will be a clock that determines how smart you are. The slower it goes, the wiser you are."" So the three man happily walked into their room. The first man walked into the room and look at the clock. After an hour, the clock didn't move at all. He was very happy to know that h…

Three little old ladies die in a car crash... When they get to heaven, St. Peter is waiting to welcome them. ""Welcome, ladies,"" says Peter. ""We only have one rule up here, don't step on the ducks."" The three little old ladies look around and notice there are ducks everywhere, thousands of them. ""Why all the ducks?"" asks the first little old lady. ""God really likes ducks. Trust me, don't step on one,"" says Peter. The three little old ladies set off to explore paradise. They find it really…

Zebra in Heaven. A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him ""You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"" St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him. So the zebra asked God, ""God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"" God answered, ""You are what you are."" The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, ""Well I asked God if …