#first-man

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him ""How many times have you cheated on your wife?"" to which the man replies ""Never."" Then with a snap of his fingers a lamborghini murcielago appears on the road beyond the n…

A stuttering man wants to join the army So he arrives at the base and gets in line. The first man approaches the drill seargent. ""Soldier, what do you want to do?"" ""I want to drive a tank!"" He is put to the tanks The next man approaches. ""I want to fly a plane!"". So he takes to the skies in a fighter jet. The stutterer then comes up. ""What do you want to to?"" ""uh....uh-uh-uh---uh-uh-uh-uh..."" He was put in charge of the machine guns.

An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already... Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. ""To the class of '55!"" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, ""To the class of '55!"" ""Where you from?"" asks the first man of the second after they both toast. ""I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."" ""You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"" The two men drink to their hometown. ""What high school did you go to?"" Ask the se…

Three friends die and go to heaven.. ..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, ""I never cheated on my wife, I loved her everyday of my life."" St. Peter then welcomes the man into Heaven and tells him because of his faithfulness he gets to drive a Rolls Royce …

Two men are walking the woods. They come across a large hole the ground, several meters across and apparently bottomless. After examining the hole for a moment, they decide to throw something into the hole to see how long it takes for it to hit the bottom. The first man throws in a pebble, and after a long pause hears nothing. The second man throws in stone, and again nothing. The work together to roll a small boulder into the hole. They wait for a few minutes, but again, nothing. Finally, the f…

A joke told by Slavoj Zizek at TIFF Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, is meeting with Khrushchev immediately after his return from said expedition. He says, ""Comrade, I have some bad news. When I was up there above the clouds I saw God the angels. I guess we were wrong."" Khrushchev replies, ""Yes yes I know. It's terrible. Just don't tell anybody. It would ruin everything."" A couple months later Gagarin is in the Vatican meeting with the Pope. He tells the Pope, ""I have bad news. Up ther…

Two friends are drinking in a bar... Before they know it, the night has passed into the wee hours of the morning. The first man turns to the second and says ""I'll be in trouble when I get home to the wife again. Every time I'm home late I get a taxi to a few doors down, creep round to the back door, take my shoes off, tip toe up the stars and sneak into bed without a sound. She always wakes up and gives me a good shouting."" ""Try what I do,"" says the second man. ""I drive across the lawn, sla…

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. 'What the hell,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.' When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your 'willy'?' The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.' The bartender says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do …

Bunga Three friends travelling through the Amazon jungles become lost, when all of a sudden they are snared up in a huge net. Suddenly, 100 angry looking tribesmen appear and drag the 3 men back to the village. When they arrived at the village, the chief comes out and says in broken English ""You trespass on our sacred land. You have two options, death or Bunga""! The first man thinks about his family back home and chooses Bunga. Ten of the largest tribesmen come over, pick the man up, bend him …

A man walks into a bar... Sits down and orders a drink. The bar is empty except for a nonchalant bartender wiping glasses down and a man focused on his drink at the bar and, amazingly, on the bar next to him is a tiny man tinkling away at a tiny piano. He looks at the gentleman siting closest to the tiny piano player and asks, ""is that yours?"" The man looks up and with a sigh replies, ""Yes, it is."" The first man, awed at the small miracle says, ""That's amazing! Where did you get such a thin…

Three men are shipwrecked... ... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated. The chief then tells the second man that they will use his bones to create drumsticks with which they will play their drums. He is allowed to chose his own form of execution as well. S…

Three guys are walking up a mountain Legend had it that if you made a wish and jumped off, your wish would instantly come true. The first man goes to the edge and says ""I wish to be a fish"" He jumps off, turns into a fish, and swims away in the river below. The second man goes to the edge and says ""I wish to be a hawk"" He jumps off, turns into a hawk and flies away. The third man, being a little nervous, inches his way to the edge and says ""I...I wish"" and right then he slips and yells ""S…

I never remember silly things A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. ""Really?"", one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, ""what are those good smelling flowers called again?"" ""Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. ""Yes that's it,"" he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he s…

three guys are on a deserted island... Just recently shipwrecked. As they each regain consciousness they realize they are surrounded by cannibals. The cannibals put each man into a bamboo cage and hold them there over night. The next morning the natives hand each man a palm leaf sack and explain to them that they are to gather a single fruit until the sack is full, then return before sundown or they will be hunted and eaten. The men each set off in differing directions and got started. About mid…

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business…

Two guys with black eyes Two men sitting next to eachother on a plane notice that they both have black eyes, and they struck up a conversation. "" How did you get your black eye?"" said the first man. ""Funny story,"" said the second man,""I was buying my ticket at the counter and the young lady selling the tickets was showing off her assets. What I ment to say was I need a ticket to Pittsburg, but what came out was I need a ticket to Tittsburg!"" The first man laughed and said,""mine happen alm…

Two men are sitting in a penthouse bar... perched on top of a building of impressive height. One of the men turns to the other and gives him a nudge: ""Hey, don't look so down. I have a secret for you. This beer that I'm drinking is magic beer. This beer that I'm drinking will make you fly!"" Upon seeing the man roll his eyes in disbelief he exclaims, ""No! Really! Watch this!"" He then downs the rest of his drink and jumps out a nearby window, only to return safely after making a loop around th…

Extreme sports Five men walk into a pet store and buy a hen, a parrot and a budgie. The next day they head to the top of a cliff, where the first man grabs the hen and jumps off the cliff, falling to his death. The second man nervously clutches the parrot and proceeds to jump off the cliff with it as well, also resulting in his untimely death. Man number three shrugs off the odds of his death, grabs the budgie and also creates a horrible mess on the rocks below. The fourth man observes all of th…

At the maternity ward... Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man ""Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!"" the man replies ""Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!"" whereupon he hoes into the ward to be with his wife. a few minutes pass, before the orderly returns and says to the second man ""Congratulations, sir! you are the proud father of three healthy triplets!"" to which he replies ""Hah! …

Three old men sitting on a bench (xpost from r/funny) Theres three old men sitting on a bench, the first one says ""I think I have the worst life here because I wake up at 8:00 and I can't piss!"" The second one then says ""I think my life is worse than yours because I wake up at 8:30 and I can't shit!"" The third one finally says ""Gentlemen I think my life is worse than both of yours."" the first man interjects ""can't you piss?"" the third one replies ""At 9:00 I piss like a racehorse."" then…

Workers and Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his …

Saw this joke performed a few years back. Enjoy. Three men are wandering the woods, and are captured by bandits. The bandits line them up and are ready to shoot them, when out of nowhere, the first man yells ""Tornado!"" Everyone looks around in a panic, and by the time they realize there isn't a tornado, the first man is gone. The bandits get ready to fire again, when the second man yells ""Earthquake!"" Everyone drops down and covers their heads, expecting a tree to fall on them. By the time t…

3 Men die and go to heaven... 3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, ""Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."" First man steps up and St. Peter says, ""Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."" Shawn grabs the keys and takes…

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke) They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, ""To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died. The first man steps forward and says,""Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and lucky grabbed hold of the railing of the apartment below me. Then, some crazy guy came out of the apartment and pushed me off, and I fell to the concrete belo…