#first-man

A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says, ""You can't bring that dog in here!"" The man, without missing a beat, says, ""This is my seeing eye dog."" ""Oh man, I'm sorry,"" the bartender says, ""I didn't realize you were blind. Here, the first drink's on me."" The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first man sees him, stops him and says, ""They don't allow dogs in here, so you won't get a dr…

Three men die on Christmas Day As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y. They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvise. So the first man digs into his pockets, and pulls out a set of keys, and he shakes them and says, ""See? They jingle like jingle bells."" So Peter tells him that will work a…

Two Irish men are nailing down floorboards The first man grabs a nail but it is upside down so he tosses it away. He grabs the next nail but it also upside down so he throws that away too. He continues this process until he finds one the right side down. The second man comes over and say ""What the hell are you doing?"" The first man replies, ""Im trying to nail down the floor boards but the nails are no good. They are upside down!"" The second man shakes his head and say, ""You idiot! Don't thr…

Three nuns die and go to the pearly gates St. Peter stops them at the gate. ""Okay, I know you're nuns, but you all must answer a biblical question before I allow you in."" He turns to the first nun. ""Who was the first man?"" She waves her hand. ""Ooh, thats an easy one. Adam!"" ""That's correct!"" Peter says, and then trumpets blare and the gates swing open. The first nun enters. The gates close. Peter turns to the 2nd nun. ""Who was the first woman?"" The 2nd nun waves her hand. ""Ooh, thats …

So the other day I was walking from the sports field with a bag of 100 tennis balls... That's a big bag, but I managed to carry it. However, unbeknownst to me, it was dragging over the ground, and eventually caught on a sharp piece of kerb, and ripped open. All 100 tennis balls falling out, ending up everywhere. Really annoying. I had to get all of them back individually and only retrieved 99 of them. Now the last one... (at this point comes the tricky part. You have to credibly pretend that you…

A plane was flying over the jungle when... A plane was flying over the jungle when it suddenly crashed. Three men were the only ones who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything. So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he killed it. He said ""I find tracks... I…

Three men in line to Heaven Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my …

Four men went golfing together one day... Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadill…

Two men are golfing at a local golf course The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer. The second man is in awe. ""Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."" The man replies, ""Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.""

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path One of them has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, ""I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."" The other redneck asks how many chickens are inside. ""Well, I'll tell you,"" replies the first redneck ""If you can guess how many chickens I got in this sack, I'll give them both to you""

Marrying a Canadian woman Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By …

So a guy walks into bar and reaches into his pocket... From his pocket, he produces a very small grand piano. A moment later, he produces a 1ft tall man from his other pocket and places him down next to the piano. The little man immediately sits down and begins to play the piano, and remarkably well at that. The bar patrons are amazed and one of them approaches the man. ""That's amazing!"" he says. ""Where did you get that little guy?"" ""Oh, I got him from this magic lamp."" says the first man,…

Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says, ""We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"" The man says, ""I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."" The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into forks afterwards. The chief then walks up to the second man and says, ""We will roast your flesh over the fire and have a great feast! Do you have any la…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""You must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ""It represents a candle,"" he said. ""You may pass through the pearly gates,"" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys. He shook them and said, ""They're…

Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in. The first nun is asked, ""Who was the first man on Earth?"" She says, ""Adam."" Lights flash and the pearly gates open. The second nun is asked, ""Who was the first woman on Earth?"" She says, ""Eve."" Lights flash and the gates open. The third nun is asked, ""What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"" Puzzled, the nun says, ""Oh my, that's a hard one."" Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

In heaven, in order to see what vehicle you will be given, Peter must ask you a question... The first man comes up, and Peter asks, ""Have you ever cheated on your wife?"" The man answers, ""no never!"" Peter replies, ""ok, you get a Rolls Royce."" A second man comes up, Peter asks him the same question and he answers, ""well once or twice, but only in the first year!"" ""Ok, you get a Buick"" A third man comes up, Peter asks him the question, and he answers, ""yeah, but not the last year!"" ""O…

Three men walk into a party. The first man beelines toward a table with a bowl of punch. The second man closely follows. A few people are ahead of them so while they wait the first man turns to the second man and asks: ""Have you ever heard the one about the garden gnome?"" The second man replies ""No, not that I can recall..."" The first man begins ""Well you see, a garden gnome, a snake, and a raven walk into a bar."" The second man interrupts ""Snakes don't walk! They slither."" The first man…

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.** the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their busine…

Three men in line for heaven... Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came int…

Entrance to Heaven Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. ""In order to get in,"" he tells them, ""you must each produce something representative of the holidays."" The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. ""This represents a candle of hope."" Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ""These are bells."" He's allowed in too. ""So,"" Peter says to the third man, ""what do yo…

Two old men...... ......decide that they were close to their last days and decide to have a last night out on the town. After a few drinks they end up in a brothel. The madam takes one look at the 2 old geezers and asks the manager, ""Set up two blow-up dolls in first two rooms upstairs. These guys are so drunk, they would not notice. I am not wasting two of my girls on them!"" The manager does as he was asked and the men then goes upstairs and take care of their business. On their way back home…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day... Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I c…

Two men after finding Canada are decided what to name it The first man says let's put all the letters of the alphabet in a bag and the ones we pick out will be what we name it, eh? The second man starts pulling letters out of a bag he says, "" C, eh, N, eh, D, eh"" and then Canada was born

The Genie and the Demon Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges. ""You have freed me from my near-eternal captivity!"" the genie booms. ""As my rescuers, you are entitled to one wish each."" The first man excitedly blurts out, ""I wish for a billion--"" ""Now hold on just a minute!"" the genie …

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter who introduces them to an angel to show them where they would be staying. These men were greeted by this angel who says to them ""You're going to be spending a lot of time here in heaven and there is a lot to see, but first I'll show you where you guys will be staying."" So they began down the gold streets and into a neighborhood with large houses, the types of houses that you would find in the wealthiest part of town. They arr…