#third-man

Three guys die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates Three guys die and go to heaven. They find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, past the gates they can see a long road which seems to stretch up higher and higher into the clouds, and out of sight. Saint Peter looks to the first man and asks him ""How many times have you cheated on your wife?"" to which the man replies ""Never."" Then with a snap of his fingers a lamborghini murcielago appears on the road beyond the n…

Three friends die and go to heaven.. ..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, ""I never cheated on my wife, I loved her everyday of my life."" St. Peter then welcomes the man into Heaven and tells him because of his faithfulness he gets to drive a Rolls Royce …

Bunga Three friends travelling through the Amazon jungles become lost, when all of a sudden they are snared up in a huge net. Suddenly, 100 angry looking tribesmen appear and drag the 3 men back to the village. When they arrived at the village, the chief comes out and says in broken English ""You trespass on our sacred land. You have two options, death or Bunga""! The first man thinks about his family back home and chooses Bunga. Ten of the largest tribesmen come over, pick the man up, bend him …

Three men are shipwrecked... ... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated. The chief then tells the second man that they will use his bones to create drumsticks with which they will play their drums. He is allowed to chose his own form of execution as well. S…

Three guys are walking up a mountain Legend had it that if you made a wish and jumped off, your wish would instantly come true. The first man goes to the edge and says ""I wish to be a fish"" He jumps off, turns into a fish, and swims away in the river below. The second man goes to the edge and says ""I wish to be a hawk"" He jumps off, turns into a hawk and flies away. The third man, being a little nervous, inches his way to the edge and says ""I...I wish"" and right then he slips and yells ""S…

At the maternity ward... Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man ""Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!"" the man replies ""Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!"" whereupon he hoes into the ward to be with his wife. a few minutes pass, before the orderly returns and says to the second man ""Congratulations, sir! you are the proud father of three healthy triplets!"" to which he replies ""Hah! …

Three old men sitting on a bench (xpost from r/funny) Theres three old men sitting on a bench, the first one says ""I think I have the worst life here because I wake up at 8:00 and I can't piss!"" The second one then says ""I think my life is worse than yours because I wake up at 8:30 and I can't shit!"" The third one finally says ""Gentlemen I think my life is worse than both of yours."" the first man interjects ""can't you piss?"" the third one replies ""At 9:00 I piss like a racehorse."" then…

Workers and Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his …

3 Men die and go to heaven... 3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, ""Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."" First man steps up and St. Peter says, ""Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."" Shawn grabs the keys and takes…

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates... St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: ""You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."" The man says: ""I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."" St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin. The second …

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny. Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven. They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says ""Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work; You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."" He looks to the first man ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first man replies,""None sir,I was faithful til the end."" ""Okay,You get this car."" Saint Peter gives him a bra…

Snoo-Snoo Three men are hunting on the African Savanna when they are captured by one of the tribes that live in the area. They are blindfolded, gagged and led into a hut to be held prisoner. After a while the chief of this tribe comes into the hut takes off their blindfolds and gags and begins to speak. He tells the three men that they have a choice between either Snoo-Snoo, or death. The first man gets up and says that whatever it is it can't be worse than death, The chief walks out and shouts …

The Best B.S-er There was a competition between the three best B.S-ers in the world. The first man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, that he could reach the apples on the top of the tall apple tree without having to stretch."" The second man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, he would reach up int the sky and re-arrange the stars"" The third man said ""when your great grandfather felt those stars, did they feel soft and sort of mushy? He responded ""yes as a matter of fact they we…

There was once these three students... ... and they were told to conduct an experiment of their choice. So the bought an elephant and put a cork in its ass and fed it non stop for 3 weeks. The idea was to see if it would all discharge at once. They had everything for the experiment ready: the hired a field had transport of the elephant but none were brave enough to pull out the cork. They trained a monkey to do it and with the elephant in the middle of the field and the monkey primed to release …

Christmas in Heaven Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something that represented ""Christmas"". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ""How do these represent Christmas?"" The third man answer…

3 Men are at heaven's gate St peter says to the first one, ""You can enter heaven if you can tell me the real meaning of Easter"". The man responds, ""That's when Santa brings toys to all the good girls and boys"". St. peter responds, ""No, that's not even the right holiday. You can't get into heaven."" St. peter turns to the second man and asks the same question. The man responds, ""That's when the Easter bunny gives painted eggs to the kids."" St peter responds, ""That has nothing to do with t…

Three men are stranded on an island... All of a sudden the Chief of the island walks up to the three men and says, ""I will let you go if you can find any 10 fruit on the island and shove them up your ass, but if you make any expression on your face, I'll kill you."" So the first man brings apples, gets through about three and makes an expression of pain, so the chief kills him. The next man comes with berries, he gets through about nine then all of a sudden bursts out laughing, so the chief kil…

An altar boy takes over hearing confessions... A priest is hearing confessions one Sunday. So a man sits down in the confessional and says, ""Forgive me Father, I jacked off three times."" The priest says, ""It's ok, my son, it happens to us all. Just say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers."" Then the next man comes in and says ""Forgive me Father, I jacked off three times."" ""Don't worry, my son, just say three Hail Marys and three Our Fathers."" A third man comes in and says, ""Forgive me…

Four men went golfing together one day. Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill... The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" The second man said, ""My son is a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" The third man, not wanting to be ou…

Four Men Went Golfing... Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. --- The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, ""My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."" --- The second man said, ""My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."" --…

A joke my dad told me in polish, I'll translate. 3 men where discussing the fastest things in the universe. One man says ""it's the human thought, because you think about stuff and you don't even know when it happened"" The second man says ""no, light is faster because you flip the switch and before you can even think about it, it's there"". The third man says ""no no no, it's diarrhea, because before I can think about it, and before I can even turn on the lights, I shit my pants!""

Fastest thing in the world A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops in…

Christmas joke from my 85 year old Grandma during presents this morning Three men go out drinking one night, only to leave the bar and die in a car crash. They wake up at the gates of heaven to Saint Peter waiting, he tells them ""Oh i'm sorry we're incredibly busy today, its christmas eve don't you know. I'll tell you what, if you can show me one thing on you that reminds you of christmas I'll let you in."" The first man pulls out his keys and jingles them, ""these remind me of the bells at chr…

Three men die on Christmas Day As they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he explains that because they died on such an important day, in order to get into heaven, they need to show him something Christmas-y. They all look at each other, knowing that they don't have anything festive on them, so they would have to improvise. So the first man digs into his pockets, and pulls out a set of keys, and he shakes them and says, ""See? They jingle like jingle bells."" So Peter tells him that will work a…

Three men in line to Heaven Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my …