#third-man

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day though so Peter had to tell the first one ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment I could tel…

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying ""I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first man replied ""Lord I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."" The Lord replied ""Very good! Not only will I allow you in but for being faithful to your wife …

Finest Praying Three neighbors were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty." The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image. The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father." The third man spoke up and said, "I don't know about those positions, but the finest praying I ev…

What's the fastest thing on Earth? Four men are being interviewed as part of a scientific survey that is being conducted in order to determine what's the fastest thing on earth. The first man says,"I think that it's probably a blink because you can blink so quickly that sometimes you don't even realize that your blinking." The second man scoffs at this idea and says,"A thought is certainly much faster than a blink, and I challenge anyone who disagrees with me to speak up now!" The third man tho…

My dad's favourite joke Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man turns to the other two and says: "I bet you $1000 each that you can't throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground." Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think "there's no way he'll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000" and agree to the challenge. The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He …

Uncle just told me this one. There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd y…

Four men sit in a bar... when the fourth man goes to toilet. The men start talking about their kids. The first one starts off: "I was disappointed at first by my son. He used to be a car sales man and he had such a little salary. Suddenly he started to rise on his job and he went to be a medium sales man, to be the best sales man, and in few moths he became the owner of the car shop. He is now a days so rich that he bought a new BMW to his friend as a birthday gift." The second one continue…

Three men die and go to heaven Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, "Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon." St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse. St. Peter calls up the third…

Three men go to heaven... They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too m…

Three friends are lost in the woods... As they try to find their way out, they chance upon a beautiful house and farm. Puzzled by this house in the middle of nowhere, they decide to look inside one of the windows to see if they can get any idea of what's going on. Upon looking in, they see an old man with his eighteen young, beautiful daughters. They decide that it is at least nothing paranormal, and decide to ask for shelter for the night. So they knock on the door. Almost immediately, it open…

Three prisoners There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted. Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before. The second man is released... stumbles three st…

Three men die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that he will ask each of them a question and that their answer will determine how they will get around in heaven. He asks the first man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “No, never!” St. Peter says, “Good man, I will give you a Ferrari for your loyalty.” St. Peter then asks the second man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “I did once and regret it to this day!” St. Peter says,…

Three pure men go to see a priest These three men have never committed a sin in their lives. They ask the priest if they can drink from the holy water. The priest says, "no, you must commit a sin first so that you can be forgiven." So the three men leave to go commit their sins. The first man comes back to the priest and says, "father I have committed a sin, I stole from a baby." The priest forgives him and gives him permission to drink the holy water. The second man comes back to the priest …

Three men are standing at the pearly gates... St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates." "How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks. "Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse." Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously kn…

Three men die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates they see St. Peter standing before them. The first man steps forward. "What did you do in your life?" Asked the saint. "I was a comedian," the first man said. "Really?" mused Peter. "What jokes did you tell?" "I told Jewish jokes." The man replied. "That's horrible!" Exclaimed Peter. "It's a terrible sin to discriminate against others." "With respect," the man replied, "I am Jewish. I was born in Brooklyn after my…

Four guys go golfing. Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up. The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids. The first man says, “I'm really proud of my son. He started off as a small realtor showing houses every day and working himself to death, but it paid off! Now he owns his own real estate business that has offices across the country. …

Three man dies and goes to heaven.. Three man dies and goes to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use in heaven according to their deeds. First man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married for?" "20 years" answered the first man. "And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "5 times" He said.. "So be it" answered St. Peter, "You may enter, but you will receive only a Toyota Corolla" Second man arrives, St. Peter asks the same ques…

Three men were sitting together... bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders …

Three men who have just died arrive at the Pearly Gates... ...And are greeted by Saint Peter, who tells them "Welcome to Heaven. Before I can let you in, you each must tell me how you died." The first man approaches Saint Peter and begins to tell him his story. "I had good reason to think that my wife was cheating with me while I was at work, so today I came home early and went to my 50th floor apartment to confront her. She was surprised to see me, but she insisted that nobody else was ther…

A bartender is closing down his bar A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation. As the bartender cleans the last few glasses before he kicks the three men out, he decides it’s worth a shot to try to cheer these poor guys up. He goes up to them and asks what’s got them down. As it turns …

Dementia Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?" The first man answers, "274." The second man answers, "Tuesday." The third man answers, "Nine." The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?" "Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." T…

Three nuns went to a baseball game Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion. "I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man. "20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there," said the second man. Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, "You should …

Three men are at CIA Headquarters for an interview... At first it's the usual question and answers until each of them are called in to a room one at a time. The interviewer, to the first applicant, handed the man a gun,pointed at another door, and said, "We need to make sure that you will follow orders no matter what. In the next room you will find your wife. We want you to kill her." The man looks at the gun and shakes his head and walks out. The interviewer calls in the second man and …

Christmas joke! (A little late I know) Three men die on Christmas Day. They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter just feels awful. He says "Alright guys I hate you died on Christmas Day, so to make up for it, I'll let you right in if you have anything on you that has any Christmas symbolism." So the first man checks his pockets and pulls out a lighter. St. Peter asks, "What is that supposed to symbolize?" The 1st man replies, "It's a Christmas candle." St. Peter acknowledges it and let's him t…