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#third-man

Jokes

Three men are bragging about size. Three men are at the bar on happy hour, and somehow the conversation turns to the size of their snickels. ""I have to be very careful not to hurt my girl"", explains the first. ""Gmf!"" snorts the second. ""When I go for a jog I have to wrap mine around my middle lest I stumble."" The third man watches this exchange with dry eyes. Then, he undoes his trousers, rummages around down there for a while, and finally slams a full-grown turtle upside down on the bar.

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Three men were sitting in a life boat... Three men were sitting in a life boat for 4 weeks after their boat had collapsed. On the start of the 5th week, one of the men said ""We might as well kill ourselves, we'll never be saved!"" The other man replied ""No, my friend. I still have faith that the Lord will save us."" That's when the third man stood up and revealed himself to be Jesus Christ, ""Your faith has saved you brother."" The two men stared in shock at the revelation when one of them sai

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When heaven was full... God ordered the angel at the gate to only let people in who have died horrible deaths into heaven. So the angel asked the first man who came up, ""How did you die?"" The first man replied, ""You see, I was coming home from work early this day because I suspected my wife of cheating on me, and I wanted to catch her in the act. So I came home to our apartment, on the 3rd floor mind you, and on my way up, I heard a lot of scuffling. When I got in my wife argued that no one e

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Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve... When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them. ""Welcome to Heaven!"" exclaimed St. Peter, ""Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."" The first man thinks for a second, and pulls out his keys, shaking them in front of St. Peter. ""They're jingle bells!"" St. Peter lets the man in. The second man digs through

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3 guys go to heaven... 3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, ""Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck."" Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks. A few days go by.

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Three friends die and go to heaven... and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions. God turns to the first man and asks how many times he cheated on his wife, to which the man responds ""twice."" God flips through the big book, and sure enough, the man was telling the truth. ""Since you

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late night... A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, ""Bartender get me a tequila!"" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says ""You! I have slept with your mother!"" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells ""Bartender! Get me another tequila!"" The bartender gets him another

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Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, ""What is three times three?"" ""274"" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, ""It's your turn. What is three times three?"" ""Tuesday"", replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, ""Okay, your turn. What's three times three""? ""Nine"", says the third man. ""That's great!"" says the doctor. ""How did you get that""? ""Simple,"" says the third man. ""I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.""

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference roomtable the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A THOUGHT. It pops into y

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Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, ""I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."" Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, ""Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, ""Come out and fight like a man

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A thought. It pops into

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

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Said the first, ""I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."" ""I put up thirty percent of the money,"" said the second, ""so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."" ""Well I put up five percent,"" pointed out the third partner. ""What's that make me?"" The chairman said, ""I'm appointing you vice president of violence and music."" ""That sounds mighty fine,"" said the third man, ""but what does it mean?"" ""It means that

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, ""Tsquare, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreads

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Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, ""God, please give me the strength to cross the river."" Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, ""God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."" Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs an

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Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They're bells."" Saint Peter said you may pass

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A thought. It pops into

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Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, ""What is three times three?"" ""274,"" came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, ""It's your turn. What is three times three?"" ""Tuesday,"" replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, ""Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"" ""Nine,"" says the third man. ""That's great!"" says the doctor. ""How did y

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Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man ""Congratulations sir you're the father of twins."" ""What a coincidence!"" the man said with some obvious pride. ""I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."" The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man ""You sir are the father of triplets."" ""Wow that's really an incredible coincidence"" he answered. ""I work for the 3M

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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture St. Peter asks ""How do these represent Christmas?"" ""They're Carol's.""

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St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. ""Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"" ""I was a policeman"" he responded. ""What kind of policeman?"" St Peter asked. ""I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."" ""Wonderful my son welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."" A few moments later a second man walks up. ""Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"" ""I was a policeman"" he responded. ""What kind of

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A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks ""Religion?"" The man says ""Methodist."" St. Peter looks down his list and says ""Go to room 24 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ""Religion?"" ""Baptist."" ""Go to room 18 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" A third man arrives at the gates. ""Religion?"" ""Jewish."" ""Go to room 11 but be very quiet as you pass room 8."" The man says ""I can understand there being different rooms for d

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St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. ""Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?"" he asks one of the men who had been a butler. ""I was a good father"" he answers. ""Yes but you were a drunk all your life. In fact you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."" St. Peter then turned to the next man a carpenter and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care

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Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said "" my wife was reading a ""tale of two cities"" and she gave birth to twins"" ""That's funny"" the second man remarked ""my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"" The third man shouted ""Good God I have to rush home!"" When asked what the problem was he exclaimed "" When I left the house my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves""!!!

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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ""What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"" The Lawyer thought a moment then said ""A week ago I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."" Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said ""Well that's fine but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."" The Lawyer said ""Wait Wait! There's mor

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