#angel

angel: they seem to be doing well God: give them more diseases angel: is that really necess- God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

God: make alcohol really fun Angel: haha ok God: but it makes them stupid Angel: i dont know if- God: and if they have too much they die

Anyone know how to fix a guardian angel, I think mine is broken.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

The Story of Volcanos God: Ok, how about a mountain.. Angel: We got mountains. God: Lemme finish. That shits fire. Angel: Metal. *fist bump*

[God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven? If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you're sleeping.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't

Shoulder Devil: So I say "Go on--do it!" And the moron does it! Shoulder Angel: What an idiot! Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

[inventing flies] GOD: make them eat shit ANGEL: got it GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

[creating the armadillo] GOD: I want a half turtle, ANGEL: Okay G: Half pig, A: Okay, I'm on it- G: Half anteater A: ...Are u drunk G: Very

GOD: That's the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones ANGEL: Will do GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

I guess "Victoria's Secret Angel" does sound better than "flightless pantybird"

They opened the tomb and were all, "Where'd he go?" and the angel said, "He's at IHOP for never-ending pancakes" and they were like, "Word."

[inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: cats climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

[God making water] "it helps plants" ANGEL: nice "cleans things" A: ok "u die if u don't drink it" A: "& drown if u drink it wrong" A: what

[god creatig god] GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent ANGEL: ok... GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists ANGEL: ru sure GOD: trust me

GOD: look what I created [points to clouds] ANGEL: what am I lookin at? GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It's up to you! ANGEL: are you high?

Sometimes I miss my grandfather, but I know he's up in heaven groping angel titties and saying some next level racist shit.

I'm starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

Jesus: Behold my powers. *walks onto water and falls in* [back in heaven] God: HAHAHAHAHA Angel: HAHAHAHA "behold my powers" God: HAHAHAHA

(1st day in heaven) Me: Whoa- is that Elvis? Angel- no, it's an impersonator M: Wow, is that... A: listen man all we got is impersonators