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Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally... because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.

Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! its a joke folks. just a joke.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I know he means well...

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36. Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops wrong sub

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people. Kinda like yo momma.

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board... She decides to report it to the pilot immediately. "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!" The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working I'm going to my mum's house." So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. - What the hell did she mean?

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters.. Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs

What's the difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer... The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."

What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading