So son, you want to win the science fair, eh? We can solve this with good ol' American know-how *drone strikes other projects* We win

*donates body to science* Science: "I have a boyfriend"

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC? Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT?!? D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that.

HER: I'm leaving you ME: But why? HER: There's just no chemistry between us anymore CHEMISTRY: Wow, I'm like right here

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet. "It was always huge & full sized!" said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

"How can it be global warming," pondered @realDonaldTrump, "if it's cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard."

Experiment: text your parents "got 2 grams for $40" then right after "Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you" Then tweet pic of their response.

*throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.

I'm no scientist but wouldn't fat bottomed girls, if anything, slow the rocking world down?

[press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in] OK, who's ready for fun? We're The Photosynthesisters & we're gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and- *chemistry set explodes* Mom: what was that?! God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.

Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist? Worker: You mean screws? Me: I don't know, I'm not a nail scientist. Worker....

[arguing with friend about chemistry] *cop walks up* do we have a problem here? Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

"I don't know, dude. Probably science & shit." Worst answer I ever gave in a job interview. :(

Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully 10,000 Year Old Tree: k

[Computer has become self-aware] Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY Scientist 2: No, worse

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

After years of failure, the "scientist" that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.

[my laboratory] ME: I'VE DONE IT! MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT'S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

If you didn't wanna hear "Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it," you shouldn't have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

My Animal Science dissertation "Are Hippos Just Girl Rhinoceroses?" met with a healthy dose of scientific skepticism WHICH I WELCOME.

no one knows where the sky starts. "here?" wonders one scientist, her hand just above her head. "how about here" says another, crouching.