America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Homophobia is God's way of teaching us the names of Republican governors.

Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

War: what is it good for? Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man. So, lots actually.

Bird of peace? The dove Bird of war? The hawk Bird of true love? ..wait for it... .... The swallow *walks offstage

When I was a kid growing up in the Cold War, I had nightmares about the Russians. They wrote long novels. And professors made me read them.

My niece said she COLORED a picture for me. Uh you mean you Africian Americaned a picture? Geez Confederate General, when's the klan rally?

Old Navy is like my weird friend from third grade. Like, I know we used to be really close, but if you asked me if I knew him I'd say no.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment.

It's not an octopus. It's a water spider. And yes, so called "marine biologist", if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

A man who calls himself "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is currently hunting down a man named "War Machine". We all live inside a comic book now.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ. Soldier: You can just point to him. Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.

Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

"who can I count on to volunteer for this project?" *slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

Mah Dearest Emma, War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Stuck in a hug. It went 5 seconds too long & now we're too stubborn to let go. Whoever dies first loses THE HUG WAR.

Sun Tzu's The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with BANKER: what M: oops i meant 'with which to take over the world'

Asians are bad drivers cuz they're used to riding pandas while eating rice is that racist enough for you dad I'm sorry I wasn't in the war

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.