#politics

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Homophobia is God's way of teaching us the names of Republican governors.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like 'The Shining' or 'Silence of the Lambs'

"the uk couldn't POSSIBLY leave" "trump couldn't POSSIBLY be president" "we couldn't POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity"

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I flipped off a latino guy who cut me off in traffic and now I'm polling at 8% in the Republican primary.

The Canadian election consists of two men apologizing till one concedes, the winner is then elected king of Canada. Or something like that.

The Canadian version of Breaking Bad is kind of lame. It ends after he gets cancer and his treatment is totally paid for by the government.

Just joined Anonymous Anonymous. This time I'm serious about breaking my addiction to hacking government websites.

All I'm saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying "We need to talk"

I can still blame my unhealthy eating on "the holidays", right? President's Day is coming up.

"Hey, my eyes are up here! LOL, just kidding, they're everywhere." - the government

trump: ban muslims jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

"That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice." No Grandma, that's Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

We'd have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He'd look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Twitter: "Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican"

"more like president PAJAMA" *obama jumps into pj's, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*

You can't spell "secret government conspiracies" without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they're hiding from us

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word "bae" will be sterilized.

Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election

Parliament should learn from Twitter, thousands of people shout here doing nothing productive, yet it never gets adjourned.

The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I'm amazed I haven't tried to date it yet