#politics

Being elected President wouldn't give me the level of self-satisfaction I have after a car speeds by me & I end up next to it at a red light

Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we're all set.

[2050] "Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?" Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

New idea for Mythbusters: Find an honest politician.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I'll probably fall in love with it any minute

So it's legal to sleep on a pillow but illegal to hold it over someone's face until they die? Ugh, government

{Bear walks up to me} ME: Plays dead BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election ME: Ugh, a poller bear

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that's easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

The president says 60% of Americans don't know math -- 60%. So what if 60% don't know math? What about the 85% that do know math?

Fun fact: every white person with dreadlocks believes in at least one government conspiracy.

"That's close enough..." ~Government worker

"I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

"Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don't laminate it. Good luck." -The Government

You could probably win the US election by promising to make the McRib a permanent McDonald's menu item.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn't last an hour before they executed me.

If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He's like a tiny Republican senator.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they're threatened at gunpoint

An unsung legacy of Bill Clinton's presidency is that since he left office, no sitting President has shot a load on a non-spouse.

I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them