#politics

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who's president.

Hey people waiting in line to get into a club. . . you should probably do us all a favor and stay in there until after the election

#presidentfacts Barack Obama is the first president in nearly 80 years to choose a water type as his starting Pokemon

Remember when we thought "Any kid can grow up to be President" was a good thing?

When it comes to politics I'm an agnostic. I don't believe there's an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.

Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

"You're on your own, kid." - A Republican village.

"What a nut job" I exclaimed, on my first day as President of Almonds

If someone's Twitter picture has 2 or more people in it, I write a letter to my senator.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to "work that poll".

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

A woman on the subway this morning said "did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?" So really, we deserve this.

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

Congress looks like the worst group project ever.

The Government could have bailed out Hostess - by legalizing weed

Next Presidential election, we need to get some guys with beards in there. It's been too long.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You'd think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

It'd be fun to watch screaming monkeys throw poop at each other today, but it's too cold in DC for the zoo. And Congress is out of session.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Spelling error to avoid: "Biden" is the name of the Vice President, "bidet" is your butt-washer.

I used to joke that someday a person's tweets would be held against them as they ran for President but now there's Trump so I guess not.