#politics

Voted class president. Assassinated.

If we could only get rid of the federal government this country could be a libertarian paradise like Somalia

The cheetah is the fastest land mammal right after a politician backpedaling about an opinion he didn't want the public to know about

Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, "drop-off done" & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.

Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

I will be the first president who is openly mentally ill

I wonder if John McCain plays with plastic Army men and pretends he's President at home.

If you elect me president, the national unemployment figures are guaranteed to drop by at least one.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

I write a lot of racist jokes, but, don't get me wrong, I'm not a Republican.

I hate when my congressman emails me to "take action" on an issue. Dude, you're the one in congress, you do something.

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

Wife: did you know there's an "I hate Jeff" group that meets in the park? Me: yes I started it I am the president

We're probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers

I'm not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.

I think it's weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

God must be a Republican. He wasn't that into humans until He found His Son was one.

QUIT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE NOT MY FOUNDING FATHER! - strict constitutional constructionist teen to the President

We're probably less than 20 years away from the first president to wear skinny jeans.

REPUBLICAN (running for office): We need to make haircuts safer! REPUBLICAN (in office): Haircuts will only be done using chainsaws.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican? Me: Labels are for soup cans Survey: Can you tell us which way you're leaning? Me: Clam chowder

Obama: Didn't think he'd be late Biden: I gave him the wrong address Obama: Joe he's the president-elect Biden: idgaf what they call him