#nsa

Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, Tweet like the NSA doesn't exist.

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can't complete calls.

Job interview with the NSA Applicant: Would you like references? NSA: We have everything we need. App: You guys! NSA: I know, right!

I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.

That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.

Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, "drop-off done" & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?

According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."

Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include "Death To America" in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I've ever written.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."

An A-TEAM reboot would just be one two-minute episode where the NSA triangulates their location and they all get blown up in a drone strike.

Hey, NSA, if you're going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i'm like "cool"

"i never metadata i didn't like" -NSA

Top three perverts that see you when you're sleeping: 1. Santa. 2. God. 3. NSA.

Just got put on a watchlist by the NSA for using the man-with-a-turban emoji.

Girlfriend: Ok you hang up :-) Boyfriend: No You hang up first :-) Girlfriend: no you first Boyfriend: No you first NSA: both of you hang up

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said "Can you hear me now?" the NSA was quietly answering "Yes we can."

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

The NSA's recruitment test The NSA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists two men and one woman. For the final test, the NSA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to shoot her."" The first man said, ""You can't be ser…

How come the NSA whistleblower can't leave Russia? Because he is snowed in.