#second-man

An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already... Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. ""To the class of '55!"" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, ""To the class of '55!"" ""Where you from?"" asks the first man of the second after they both toast. ""I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."" ""You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"" The two men drink to their hometown. ""What high school did you go to?"" Ask the se…

Two men are walking the woods. They come across a large hole the ground, several meters across and apparently bottomless. After examining the hole for a moment, they decide to throw something into the hole to see how long it takes for it to hit the bottom. The first man throws in a pebble, and after a long pause hears nothing. The second man throws in stone, and again nothing. The work together to roll a small boulder into the hole. They wait for a few minutes, but again, nothing. Finally, the f…

Two men walk into a bar. The first says, ""i'll have some H20"". The second says, ""sounds good, I'll have some H20 too"" The second man [died](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide).

Two friends are drinking in a bar... Before they know it, the night has passed into the wee hours of the morning. The first man turns to the second and says ""I'll be in trouble when I get home to the wife again. Every time I'm home late I get a taxi to a few doors down, creep round to the back door, take my shoes off, tip toe up the stars and sneak into bed without a sound. She always wakes up and gives me a good shouting."" ""Try what I do,"" says the second man. ""I drive across the lawn, sla…

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years..... ...One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. ""Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."" The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fac…

A man walks into a bar... Sits down and orders a drink. The bar is empty except for a nonchalant bartender wiping glasses down and a man focused on his drink at the bar and, amazingly, on the bar next to him is a tiny man tinkling away at a tiny piano. He looks at the gentleman siting closest to the tiny piano player and asks, ""is that yours?"" The man looks up and with a sigh replies, ""Yes, it is."" The first man, awed at the small miracle says, ""That's amazing! Where did you get such a thin…

Three men are shipwrecked... ... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated. The chief then tells the second man that they will use his bones to create drumsticks with which they will play their drums. He is allowed to chose his own form of execution as well. S…

Three guys are walking up a mountain Legend had it that if you made a wish and jumped off, your wish would instantly come true. The first man goes to the edge and says ""I wish to be a fish"" He jumps off, turns into a fish, and swims away in the river below. The second man goes to the edge and says ""I wish to be a hawk"" He jumps off, turns into a hawk and flies away. The third man, being a little nervous, inches his way to the edge and says ""I...I wish"" and right then he slips and yells ""S…

Overcoming your fears.. as told by tom hanks .. Three men found that they could no longer sleep because of their deep-seeded fears. Their lives were in the state of stasis because of their constant worries. So they set out on a pilgrimage to find a wise man who lived high in the mountains, so high up above the tree line, that no vegetation grew, no animals live, not even insects could be found so high up in the mountains in that thin air. When they reached his cave the first of the three said: "…

Chemistry... Two chemists walk into a bar. One asks the bartender for some H2O, and the other says ""I'll have some H2O too"". The second man dies. The bartender then asks ""what do we do with the body and the first chemist says ""we barium""

Extreme sports Five men walk into a pet store and buy a hen, a parrot and a budgie. The next day they head to the top of a cliff, where the first man grabs the hen and jumps off the cliff, falling to his death. The second man nervously clutches the parrot and proceeds to jump off the cliff with it as well, also resulting in his untimely death. Man number three shrugs off the odds of his death, grabs the budgie and also creates a horrible mess on the rocks below. The fourth man observes all of th…

At the maternity ward... Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man ""Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!"" the man replies ""Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!"" whereupon he hoes into the ward to be with his wife. a few minutes pass, before the orderly returns and says to the second man ""Congratulations, sir! you are the proud father of three healthy triplets!"" to which he replies ""Hah! …

Workers and Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his …

Saw this joke performed a few years back. Enjoy. Three men are wandering the woods, and are captured by bandits. The bandits line them up and are ready to shoot them, when out of nowhere, the first man yells ""Tornado!"" Everyone looks around in a panic, and by the time they realize there isn't a tornado, the first man is gone. The bandits get ready to fire again, when the second man yells ""Earthquake!"" Everyone drops down and covers their heads, expecting a tree to fall on them. By the time t…

3 Men die and go to heaven... 3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, ""Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."" First man steps up and St. Peter says, ""Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."" Shawn grabs the keys and takes…

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke) They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, ""To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died. The first man steps forward and says,""Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and lucky grabbed hold of the railing of the apartment below me. Then, some crazy guy came out of the apartment and pushed me off, and I fell to the concrete belo…

Your best clean joke? Mine: 3 men are wandering lost in the desert, and stumble upon a lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. He tells them ""I will give you each one wish."" The first man says ""I really miss my family. I'd love to be back with them."" *POOF* He's back with his family. The second man says ""I don't have a family, but I'd love to be on the beach in Hawaii, surrounded by beautiful women."" *POOF* He's in Hawaii. The third thinks for a little while and says ""I'm lonely here. I…

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates... St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: ""You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."" The man says: ""I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."" St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin. The second …

Three men are stranded on a remote island and get captured by cannibals The chief tells the three men, ""Tonight, you will be killed. However, you have one chance to save yourselves. Go now into the woods and gather ten of whatever fruit you find, then bring it back here."" The three men go off into the woods. The first man returns some time later with 10 apples. The chief says, ""Very good. Now, for us to spare your life, you must shove all ten apples up your butt without making a single sound.…

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny. Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven. They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says ""Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work; You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."" He looks to the first man ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first man replies,""None sir,I was faithful til the end."" ""Okay,You get this car."" Saint Peter gives him a bra…

Snoo-Snoo Three men are hunting on the African Savanna when they are captured by one of the tribes that live in the area. They are blindfolded, gagged and led into a hut to be held prisoner. After a while the chief of this tribe comes into the hut takes off their blindfolds and gags and begins to speak. He tells the three men that they have a choice between either Snoo-Snoo, or death. The first man gets up and says that whatever it is it can't be worse than death, The chief walks out and shouts …

CIA final test The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."" The first man said, ""You can't be serious. I could…

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea. Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening. The second man then asks him where they ate. ""Hmm,"" ponders the first man. ""You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"" ""You must be thinking of a rose,"" the second man replies. ""Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'…

The Best B.S-er There was a competition between the three best B.S-ers in the world. The first man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, that he could reach the apples on the top of the tall apple tree without having to stretch."" The second man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, he would reach up int the sky and re-arrange the stars"" The third man said ""when your great grandfather felt those stars, did they feel soft and sort of mushy? He responded ""yes as a matter of fact they we…

So two cannibals are eating dinner... The first turns to the second man and says ""Wow, your wife sure does make a great roast!"" The second replied ""I know, I'm really gonna miss her.""