#second-man

During a war, three soldiers are captured while fighting abroad... The captors have all three soldiers lined up in front of them, and the captors' leader stepped forward, holding a pistol with one hand while the other hand lays on a Bible on the table next to him. ""Before I execute all of you, I shall allow each of you to make one and only one last request. You cannot change it."" Glancing at the Bible, he swore, ""I swear by the name of Lord that your request shall be fulfilled, for we are hon…

Three men died and went to heaven... ... and met St. Peter at the pearly gates, who was explaining a new reward system to the newcomers. Each person who made it to heaven would receive a vehicle, the quality of which would be determined by how faithful they were to their spouses on Earth. The first man had his fair share of adulterous adventures, and he received a 1992 Toyota Corolla. The second man was pretty faithful, but even he was not loyal throughout his entire life, and he received a bran…

Two men are walking in the woods... and they come across some deer poop. The first man has never seen deer poop before so he asks the second man what it is. The second man says ""these are smart pills if you eat them you become smarter."" The first man picks up the poop and eats it. After tasting the poop the first man says ""I think you tricked me i think you just got me to eat poop!"" The second man says ""look at that you are getting smarter already.""

100 lashes These three men were arrested and forced to get 100 lashes. The executioner let them each have one thing to stop their pain. The first man says I would like a pillow on my back. The second man says I want the lashes to be weak. The last man says I want 1000 lashes. The executioner looks surprised until the third man finished his sentence: with my mother in law strapped to my back

Escaping Prison Three men are sitting in a jail cell 4 stories up, 2 americans and 1 chinese man The two americans look at each other and are like, ""Man we gotta escape from here we can't stay in prison"" So they make a plan to tie there bed sheets together and escape out the window The first american goes, but he falls half way down He hits the ground and groans,""a man, ugh, I think I broke my leg"" The second man goes and he too falls off the rope, and when he hits the ground he goes, ""ow m…

A plane crashed on an island... ... and there were only 3 survivors. After wandering the island, the 3 survivors ran into a native tribe. The tribe said ""If you can fit 10 of any fruit up your ass without making a sound, you will become the leader of our tribe, but if you make a sound, we will cook you and eat you. The first man chooses apples, he shoves up 2 apples and starts screaming, the tribe cooks him and eats him. The second man chooses cherries and fits 9 up, but starts howling after th…

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.'' The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.'' The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can …

Three guys are waiting in a maternity ward The nurse walks out of the doors and approaches the first man. ""Congratulations Sir, your wife had twins!"" she says. The first man says ""What a coincidence, I own the Minnesota Twins!"" Twenty minutes later she walks out again and says to the second man, ""Your wife had triplets!"" The man says' ""Wow, I work for triple crown!"" Fifteen minutes later the nurse appears again only to find the third man bawling his eyes out. ""What's wrong?"" She asks. …

so a man walks into a bar with his dog.. and the bartender says "" sorry, you can't bring your dog in here, i don't want to clean up after him"" the man says "" its ok, the dog is trained"" so he lets him in a second man and his dog walks in, and the bartender says "" sorry mate, you can't have a dog in here"" and the second man says ""he's trained its ok"" so he lets him in then a third man walks in with dark glasses and a dog, the bartender says ""hey man, i don't know what your doing but you …

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: They're Carol's.'

2 men walk into a bar... The first one says to the bartender, ""I'll take a glass of H20, if you know what I mean!"" The second one says, ""I'll have H20 too,"" to the bartender. The second man died after drinking it. (leave a comment if you don't get it)

I felt like a golfer Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said "" no but you can sleep with the cow…

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the r…

Three gay men. There were three gay men who had the same lover. Their lover got really sick and passed away. They all decided to have him cremated. Once he was cremated they decided to share his ashes between them to spread them at their favorite places. The first man said he was going to spread his ashes on the sea since they loved sailing together. The second man said he was going to spread his ashes in his garden because they loved growing beautiful flowers together. The third man said he was…

Two men are at a bar... Two men are at a bar; the first man says to the bartender, ""I'll have some H2O."" The bartender gives him his drink. ""I'll have some H2O, too."" says the second man. The second man died.

Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment…

A man loves his wife so much That he decides to get her name tattooed on his shaft. When they arrived in the Caribbean for their honeymoon to Jamaica he goes to the Tattoo Parlor and tells the artist he wants the name ""Wendy"" tattooed on to his magic stick. The deed is done and feeling well enough to go out for dinner they decided to head out. After a while the man needed to use the restroom. So he went to the rest room and began to urinate into the first of two open urinals. When another man …

Three men are lost in the woods and they grow very hungry. After sitting around listening to their tummies rumble the first man gets up on his feet and says ""That's it! I'm going out there and getting us some food!"" After an hour he comes back with a dead rabbit in his hands. ""Holy cow!"" the other two say, ""How'd you find that rabbit!"" ""Well, I followed the tracks and found a rabbit"" the first man explained. The next day the second man goes out to fetch the trio some grub. Three hours la…

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates... St. Peter says ""OK, we've kind of streamlined the entry process here. I'm going to ask you a single question, and if you answer it correctly you will be admitted into heaven."" He turns to the first guy and says ""What is Easter?"" The guy says ""Easter, huh? Let me see... Isn't there a tree involved? Sure, and we decorate the tree and put presents under it and sing ca-"" POOF! The man vanishes, leaving behind a faint scent of brimstone. St. Peter moves …

3 men are captured by savages... 3 men are traveling across the ocean on a cruise when their boat hits a large rock and sinks. Everyone on the boat dies except these 3 men who miraculously manage to swim a mile to a nearby forested island. The lucky survivors soon pass out on the beach from exhaustion. When they wake up, to their horror, they discover they have been taken prisoner by a native tribe and sentenced to death for trespassing on their territory. The chieftain feeling merciful, offers …

The Fastest Thing in the World Four men were arguing about what they thought was the fastest thing in the world. The first man says: I think it's a thought, because when you think of something, it's in your head instantly. The second man says: I think it's a blink, because when you wink at someone they barely even see it. The third man says: I think it's electricity, because when you flip a switch, power from miles away arrives instantly, and your light turns on. The fourth man says: No, no, no,…

Dankest weed Two guys are sitting at a table in a Caffe and talking about their use of marijuana. The first man says: ""My dealer got me weed so powerful that when I smoked it, I halucinated for five hours."" The second man says: ""Thats nothing, You need to try this. Got it last week, and the strangest thing happened. I go home and run to the balcony. I light it and take a puff, when suddenly a large yellow orb flies over the sky. I am freaking out at this point and take another puff to calm my…

A survey company interviews 3 Christians and asks them about their daily routine. The first man says ""Well, I wake up and kiss my beautiful wife and thank Jesus for this lovely day. Then I go to church if I am in the mood. If I'm not in the mood, I watch gospel TV."" The interviewer says: ""But I thought Christians had to go to church every Sunday."" ""Well,"" replies the man, ""My pastor never told me that."" The second man says: ""I wake up and eat a delicious breakfast, but not before saying…

Three men are sitting in an emergency room... When the doctor comes in. He says 'You all have serious head injuries, and said they were 'baseball-related'. Might I ask how you got them?' ""I was at a small baseball game"" says the first man, ""when an idiot in the back of the stands shouted 'LOSER!' right as I was swinging my bat - as a result, I hit the ball backwards, up and over the edge of the stadium, ending it for my team. I was so mad, I threw my bat at the guy, just as he threw his helme…

Meeting a genie while hiking. Three friends went out hiking one day. They came to a ledge and a genie appeared and said "" if you run and jump off the ledge and say what you would like to be, you will transform into what you say."" The first man jumps off and says ""eagle"" he immediately transforms into an eagle and flys away. The second man jumps off and yells "" millionaire"" and he lands on a pile of money. The third guy runs for the edge and just before he gets there he trips on a rock and …