#carl

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would've named it Carl.

I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah* Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I'm real good at crimes! "No" Why? "YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE"

No Carl, I said "lick her" not wicker. Put the patio furniture away.

A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.

Bought the knockoff brand of Frosted Flakes. Their mascot is Carl the Cat. "They're purretty good!"

????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR ????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR ????LET THE BODIES HIT THE- "Carl, you're fired. You're a horrible mortician."

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions. Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Octopus 1-you up for tennis? Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again Octo1-..we dont have elb Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL

Carl: "It's chilly out." Me: "Tell me something I don't know." "Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials." "Fair enough, Carl."

[Apple meeting] We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan. "How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices." Too honest, Carl.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

what if family matters took place today.... urkel would make an app. laura would have a blog. eddie listens to podcasts. carl is on atkins

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather. ME: IT'S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT'S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese. Out of me and my 4 siblings, I'm pretty sure it's either Carl or Liu Yang.

These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these day--oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

"tell... my wife... i loved her..." carl dies. NOO! U LOVED HER WHAT?! *shakes body* U LOVED HER... TITYS? HER CAT? *slaps face* PLS WAKE UP

I'd like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Three explorers are in Egypt (long) and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: ""Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death."" He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end of the hallway, another door. Behind that door is a room full of treasure, so he takes as much as he can carry and leaves. He enters the hallway and walks about …

It's contagious A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. ""Carl,"" she says. Carl says, ""My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."" ""Very good,"" says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, ""The atmosphere was contagious."" The teacher says, ""Excellent, Suzie!"" Then she notices that littl…

""I'm 29 years old today..."" ""I'm 29 years old today,"" said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday. Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone... ""Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday,"" says the man on the line. ""Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."" ""No,"" says Carl. ""He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."" (based on a true st…

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?

""Boy, those people look like ants!"" A man, riddled with fear, is in the middle of his first flying lesson. With a shaky voice, weak knees and pants that once were dry he shudders to the instructor ""Boy, those people look like ants!!"" and the instructor reluctantly replies ""That's because they are. We haven't left yet Carl.""