#jims

Jim ate my sandwich. It was clearly labeled. Jim's email is open on his PC. Jim's son now thinks he's adopted. The sandwich was LABELED.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over... Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, ""Step out of the car"" says the cop, ""I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test."" ""I can't"", Jim responds ""You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack."" ""Alright,"" says the cop, ""then you're going to have to take a blood test."" ""Can't do that either,"" Jim responds, ""I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding…

Three explorers are in Egypt (long) and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: ""Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death."" He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end of the hallway, another door. Behind that door is a room full of treasure, so he takes as much as he can carry and leaves. He enters the hallway and walks about …

The Donut Joke There was once an unemployed donut named Bob. Luckily for him, a pirate ship sailed into the port that day. He went to the captain of the ship and said, ""Can I work on your ship?"" The captain said ""No."" The donut went home all sad and depressed. The next day, he went back to the captain. ""Can I work on your ship?"" ""No!"" The donut again sulked all the way back home. Then he had a brilliant idea. He'd ask the captain again. The next day, he went back to the ship docked at th…

So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California. Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7. Unfortunately, Jim has a neighbor named Lisa Nancy, and she's a bit of a nut. Everyday, as Jim unlocks his door at 7, Lisa…

A man goes on vacation... And calls up his buddy to see if he'll watch over the house and, more importantly, the cat. ""Sure thing, Jim! You know I love Tiger! You just enjoy your trip and I'll call you if anything pops up."" Two days later, Jim is sunbathing on a cruise ship when his phone rings. He recognizes his buddy's number and answers the phone. ""Jim... I'm not sure how to tell you this... Tiger died yesterday. He ran out the front door and was hit by a car."" After a moment for the shoc…

There was a man with leprosy Jim had leprosy which was bad because he had constant sores full of pus. The doctor said he could keep him alive but could do nothing about the sores. Because of this Jim could never wear a shirt as it would be soaked with pus and ruined. One day Jim's friends decided to take him to a baseball game because he loved baseball but didn't get out much-being ashamed of his back. At the game Jim was enjoying himself but soon after the game started a woman two rows back thr…

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim. They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them more docile and hungrier. Hearing of his rivals success, Jim immediately went to the police and disclosed to them Bob's revolutionary but illegal new method.…

A joke about a guy's first day in prison, from the first joke book I ever owned. Jim arrives at the prison where he has to serve out his 10 year sentence. After the formalities involved in processing, he was shown to his cell, which he had to share with another inmate. Overwhelmed by the thought of spending the next ten years in this miserable place, he spends most of the day in bed staring at the ceiling. At 10 PM, the guards conducted roll-call, locked all the cells, and turned off the lights.…

Why can't Jim's make sandwiches? Cause it was at my grannies, isn't it!!!

Once there was a guy named Jim Sloan... He had a very interesting pet in town. His pet was a rock named Teddy who allegedly could move on his own and loved to eat sugar. There was another man in the same town named James . James had a pet too but his pet was an Iguana. This Iguana was named Kate. James was also Jim's long time rival in the town. One day, James challenged Jim to a race between their pets. Jim of course only makes his income through his pet rock so of course he obliges. Everyone i…

A man named Greg, is visiting his friend Jim's house Greg started sorting out Jim's stuff and putting them into an order. Jim saw this and ran over to him yelling, ""What the hell are you doing?"" Greg looked at Jim and told him that he was rearranging everything so it was neater. ""What are you OCD?"" Yelled Jim. Greg replied, ""I much prefer the term CDO, as it is in alphabetical order,""

Jim's Secret for Smooth & Healthy Skin ""Hey, Jim, you look fit and healthy. Start a new diet?"" ""Nope."" ""Join a fitness club then?"" ""Nope."" ""But your face looks so fresh and healthy. What's your secret?"" ""Got a new girlfriend."" ""But how does that make your skin so smooth?"" Jim explained, ""Well, my new girl is extremely hairy down below. In fact, she's like a wire brush."" ""Yeah. So?"" ""So, now, every night I exfoliate and moisturize!""

A guy goes to the bar for 1 beer on his birthday. Its Jim's birthday and has a night planned with his wife. A buddy intercepts him and talks him into having 1 beer. Jim says OK, but only one, his wife will be waiting for him after all. 2 hours pass, and he hasn't lived up to his promice to his wife, he is shitfaced. Jim is getting ready to leave and his buddy forces him to have one more shot. Jim does the shot and immediately vomits on his shirt. His buddy has a great idea. "" here's $20, slip i…

Upholstery repair The threads in the seat covers of Jim's truck have all torn loose. He and his girlfriend takes it to a shop called ""Mr Ree's Upholstery Repair"" run by a Frenchman named Ag. After an hour in the waiting room, they are shown the repairs. Mr. Ree as pasted them all together with soft cheese. Jim's girlfriend is furious and she tells Jim to tell Mr. Ree he's an idiot. Jim replies ""seat seams are made of brie, who am I dis Ag Ree?""

Three sons were getting birthday presents for their dad, who was getting up there in years. After they had all chosen said presents they met to discuss what they had gotten him. The first one, Michael said ""I got dad a new hunting dog because his last one was losing its sense of smell."" The second one, Jim said ""I got dad a set of golf clubs because his old ones were getting worn."" The final son, Tyler said ""I got dad a specially trained parrot to read for him because his eyes are weak. It …

Drunk driver Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, ""Step out of the car"" says the cop, ""I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test."" ""I can't"", Jim responds ""You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack."" ""Alright,"" says the cop, ""then you're going to have to take a blood test."" ""Can't do that either,"" Jim responds, ""I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death."" ""Ok,"" the cop answer…

Jim entered a fencing contest The contest was simple. All of the entrants had to duel a professional fencer, and whoever lasted the longest got $10,000. When it was finally Jim's turn, he enters the ring, and, rather than a foil, pulls out a massive broadsword. The pro fencer feinted

A 'Jim's Dozen' is 11, because I take one for myself.

A Spanish Joke - Translated Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over. “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a Breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the …

I like your thinking... [LONG] Little Jim was in class, learning about the Caribbean. The teacher asks Jim, "What is the capital of Jamaica, to which Jim replied "There isn't a capital because all of the Caribbean is territories" his teacher corrected him saying "Jim, Jamaica is actually a country and the answer is Kingston, but I like your thinking." Jim was satisfied with this answer but proceeded to reply "Ok Miss, let me quiz you, I have my hand in my pocket feeling something hard with a he…

Sewer executive Jim and Bob talking about Jim's new job that he's said is a sewer executive. Bob asks "so, what does it involve?" Jim "when the sewers get blocked, I jump in and scoop up a bucket of shit and pass it to the next guy, and all day I pick up buckets of shit and pass it to the next guy" Bob "so, how does picking up buckets of shit and passing them on make you a sewer executive?" Jim "cause I don't take shit from nobody"

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over... “Step out of the car” says the cop

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim. They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter

It's Jim's birthday Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club