#buddys

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy's house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.

My buddy's PRETTY drunk... So I took the car key off of his keychain... He's been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

A man goes on vacation... And calls up his buddy to see if he'll watch over the house and, more importantly, the cat. ""Sure thing, Jim! You know I love Tiger! You just enjoy your trip and I'll call you if anything pops up."" Two days later, Jim is sunbathing on a cruise ship when his phone rings. He recognizes his buddy's number and answers the phone. ""Jim... I'm not sure how to tell you this... Tiger died yesterday. He ran out the front door and was hit by a car."" After a moment for the shoc…

Pulling Together A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, ""Pull, Nellie, pull!"" Buddy doesn't move. ""Pull, Buster, pull!"" Buddy doesn't budge. ""Pull, Coco, pull!"" Nothing. Then the farmer says, ""Pull, Buddy, pull!"" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. ""Buddy's blind,"" said the farmer. ""And if he thought he was t…

My buddy's autistic twin brother has a seizure while on a camping trip, causing my buddy to miss his first day on the job at Dominoes. ""Tell the manager your brother had a Little Caesar""

The $40 joke Steve is going out for his buddy's bachelor party. It's been planned for months. He gets home from work and quickly starts getting ready. His lady, Tina, surprises him with a fancy dress shirt for the big night. ""Aw thanks babe, it's amazing"". She tells him it was really expensive but ""he's worth it and it's a big night"". He leaves and meets the lads at the bar. No time for food, apparently and they dive straight into shooters. 8 shots in, no food and Steve stands up and pukes a…

So a buddy of mine was riding his motorcycle... (This is a joke that my own, dearest father got me with today.) ...and, you know how the underneath of the bike can get pretty hot, under the motor. Well, his boot caught fire! He looks down, and sees that it spread to his pant leg, so he reaches down and tries to pat it out with his glove, and his damn shirt sleeve caught fire! So he pulls the bike over immediately, and he's patting at the flames trying to put himself out, when a cop pulls up behi…

Pissing like a sprinkler There was a guy at his buddy's house, and he said to his friend: ""Man I must've drunk a lot at your party last night, I was pissing like a sprinkler today!"" Confused, his friend asked: ""you mean you were squirting in short bursts?"" The guy replied: ""no, I mean I was spraying all over your front yard while your daughter was jumping around in it in a bikini.""

What are some good jokes you can keep on standby should you ever find yourself in front of a crowd? I was out DJing last night, and it was my buddy's birthday. I said a few lame lines and wished him a happy birthday, but it got me thinking that I should have two or three good jokes I can keep on standby that I can use in front of a moderate to large crowd to break the ice a bit. What are some of your favorite crowd pleasers? Edit: Sorry if this has come up already

My buddy's daughter just told me this joke. I am a grown woman damn it, but I cannot stop laughing. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? | | | | | An irrelephant.

What is the Greek Army's motto? Never leave your buddy's behind.

My buddy's a surfer who left Egypt because his strict Christian family was always hovering over him... They were, like, hella Coptic bro.

Two men go on a hunting trip... One of them trips, hits his head on a rock, and passes out. The other man calls 911 and says ""I think my buddy's dead!"". The operator says ""Make sure first."" The man puts the phone down and the operator hears a gunshot. A second later the man says ""Yah he's dead.""

So I stopped at my buddy's house.... ...this afternoon for a quick visit. I told him there was a Broken Condom in his front yard. Now his wife is pissed off at me again because apparently I never acknowledge their son by his real name.

My buddy's first blow job My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey. Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?" Matt says, "My first blow job" Bartender replies, "First blow job eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!" Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

200 Bucks A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell, It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws …

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road. A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him. "Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken. "My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him." "Why, I'd be happy to do that for you," replies the chicken. "Why would you do such a nice thing for me?" The chicken is deep in thought for a while and finally says, "I …

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer. Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in". Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck. Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything". ....I'll see myself out now.

Pull A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move. "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge. "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pullin…

Buddy's been driving all night sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

200 Bucks A guy goes over to his buddy's house

What's the motto of the Greek army? Never leave your buddy's behind.

Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.