#dating

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE'S DINNER SHE'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

"No mom I DON'T HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 18. "No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 28.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Me: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Me: When you fell from a really high distance. Dating as an atheist is hard.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Saying "oh my gosh you're getting so big!" is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

*donates body to science* Science: "I have a boyfriend"

Don't feel like going to the gym? Go to all your ex's facebook pages and see who they're dating now. Then go to the gym.

Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad! Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn't say that!

A friend wants me to try speed dating, but I'm not sure that finishing *even faster* is going to help me with the ladies

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Secretly A Minivan

[Jesus' dating profile] I love wine that's made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Dating me is like a walk in the park - Jurassic Park.

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.

ME: im nervous GIRLFRIEND: dont be M: what are some of his interests GF: he likes football [later] GF'S DAD: nice to meet u M: *tackles him*

NURSE: She's in a coma. She's been on hungerstrike [boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself] PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.

[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."

Holy shit. Just realized that my last girlfriend was born the same year I got my first credit card. And I'm not even hot like Larry King.

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea