#dating

I think my girlfriend might be mad at me, so I'm going to make her a mix-tape to show her how much I care.

cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for? Me: I got it for my girlfriend. Indian Chief: Good trade.

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

Dating advice: Don't just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

I'm rich! But not in money, just in read receipts from my ex-boyfriend who never replies!

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he's bringing his boyfriend.

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I'm $10,000 in debt.

*arouses suspicion* Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c'mere.

If your girlfriend says "my pyramid is late..." Know two things: 1. Your hearing is poor 2. That's not your biggest problem right now

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

a dating site that matches you with the perfect slice of cheesecake

Him: Where'd you get that black eye? Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...

Girls. Don't get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Pizza" "My new boyfriend who? "No. Pizza" "My future husband who?" "No." "Playing hard to get who?"

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.

Surprise your girlfriend by hiding in her trunk until you're dead.

ATTN: I'm looking for a new girlfriend Are you: 1. Between the age of 11-69? 2. Mostly female? 3. Trained to poop outside? DM for details

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover. ... Wait.

The new Batman is super realistic -- he's attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

Dating Tips 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition* Cro-magnon woman: "I have a boyfriend."

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?