#dating

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.

Signs your wife is cheating: 1. Weird cologne 2. Emotional distance 3. Late-night abences 4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.

If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She's probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny's again.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You're getting laid wife asks you to get wine: You're getting yelled at

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

It's nothing serious, we're not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

Benefits of dating me: 1. You're the smart one

*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*

Thursday is like your high school boyfriend. It feels good but you know something better is right around the corner.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver's license.

settle down twitter crush. i didn't ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i've picked for our kids

If I don't wake up with Britney Spears' body circa "I'm a Slave 4 U" and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa's not real.

We've run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her. Dating is bullshit.

Don't cha wish ya girlfriend was a clinically depressed cat owning weirdo like me

Bought that new Mac Book Pro today. Apparently they crush up 100 Japanese children's retinas too make the display. Or something. I zone out.

*Arrives to save damsel in distress* Me: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your--" Rapunzel: "I have a boyfriend." Dragon flying by: "BURN!!"

Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I'm going to prison.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don't have to suck my gut in.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister: Have you ever seen a dead body? *casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Shaved my girlfriend's cat. Think she'll take the hint?