#dating

I wonder if my potential boyfriend is hiding at the bottom of this ice cream tub.

*speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my -- Satan: I have a girlfriend.

when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

Me: I love you! Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking? Me: It's me...talking to the vodka.

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars' girlfriend* *Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it* *it explodes and both of them die*

Whenever my girlfriend doesn't eat her dinner, I remind her that there are starving kids in Africa, and that she'll never be that skinny.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl's phone when she's mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she'll see his effort.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby 3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

Just found out a spider's been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Me: Why don't I have a boyfriend? God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak. Me: Ah. That's right. Gross.

Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend :)

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good? Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.

Friend: "I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage." Me: "Fred or Ben?"

When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Friendly advice: Don't compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.

My ex says he's dating someone new but according to his Instagram she's a sandwich

*first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!

Do you have FB? No Do you have Twitter? No Instagram? No What do you have? A life. ... ... Can I have it? No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

Friend: "Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married." ME: "Wow! when?" Friend: "Me on 27th April and she on 14th June."

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year ME: what the hell are you talking about