#dating

Top 3 questions asked by my parents: 3) How's the business? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

*Dies and goes toward the light* Light: "I have a boyfriend"

kids now have dating apps but back in my day we had to run through the city shirtless with a megaphone screaming "why does no one want me"

Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".

[Trapped on a Island] *Message in a bottle* "Please send help!" *Gets message back, months later* "Linda invited you to play Candy Crush"

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

Things I've learned on Twitter: 1. A Twitter Crush is not a soft drink 2. Naps rule 3. Pants are optional 4. Everybody hates Nickelback

My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.

I need an ex-boyfriend so I have something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.

My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

[supermarket] *Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area* CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend. ME: Oh, OK. *slowly repacks trolley*

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son's dating a scientologist

Surgeon: I'll be taking out your appendix today Me: [stomach rumbles] Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy] Appendix: I have a boyfriend

We play cop games because my boyfriend likes to "discharge his weapon."

Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Dating was easier back in the day. Back before the big bang when we were all compressed into one dot

HIM: My new girlfriend's name is "Bella". That means "Beautiful" in Italian. ME: It also means "War" in Latin...so good luck with that.

My girlfriend from high school called today. She's stoked about getting her driver's license.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

When I realized my boyfriend said we should 'break up' & not 'break dance', I was sad, but also relieved.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend's body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

Business Idea: 1. Join dating site. 2. Arrange dates with 30 people at your house, all at the same time. 3. TIMESHARE PRESENTATION.