#dating

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he's dating someone half his age? HUB: Yep. He's livin the dream ME: HUB: His dream not mine

me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?

My boyfriend just texted me, "We need to talk." I think he's going to propose!

My boyfriend calls me "babe" because "pig in the city" is such a mouthful to say.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

A great alternative to Tinder is entering every room screaming, "Does anyone want to bang?!" It also has more dignity.

A fun thing to do when you're done dating someone is just disappear completely and pretend you've lost your phone and died

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who'd stare at her boyfriend while he's sleeping.

[girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!

Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You're now the restaurant.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars. Mars: I have a boyfriend

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?

My boyfriend isn't allowed to have candles on his birthday cake...Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

I never know what to do in these situations. Do I shake the boyfriend's hand or kiss her cheek to show how much I appreciate her ass?

Van Gogh's girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear Him: cuts ear off Her: I just wanted u to listen to me Him: nah, I'm good

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper. Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.

Date: So... Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: ... Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should've used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM?

My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.

[speed dating] Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog? "No." *I take a deep breath and roll my eyes* [timer beeps]

If by "be (your) girlfriend" you mean "catch spiders and hide them in your pockets everyday" then yes, I'll be your girlfriend.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won't be as big a deal when she's 28 and he's dead.

The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She's like "What's with all the red pen marks in my diary?"