#dating

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we're dating

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

When my girlfriend dumped me I spent 8 hours making a replica of her house and her on Sims, then burning it down. Easiest way to move on.

I've lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.

*eats banana seductively Banana: I have a boyfriend

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

Feeling pretty good about myself today so I'm going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal

Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills.. All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..

"Hi-" "I have a boyfriend." "Do y-" "I have a boyfriend." "Excuse m-" "I have a boyfriend." "I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS."

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because I always relate everything to Batman. What a Joker.

Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology

We gave The Gap shit for the new logo. Then we gave The Gap shit for pulling it. Congratulations. We are a collective psychotic girlfriend.

Unlike your boyfriend, cheesecake will never leave you or your hips.

I absolutely recommend falling in love with your twitter crush and traveling about 3612 miles to boink them.

My IQ score says I'm intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

I'll follow my girlfriend into the bathroom watch her close the toilet door, and then ask, "What are you doing?"

DATING TIP: Girls like bad boys! Brag about your Twitter gang.

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce as a gift I'm telling his girlfriend.

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she's driving. Girls are weird.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run? (Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos) Me: I have shin splints

My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then.