#dating

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

Boyfriend questionnaire: 1) Have job? 2) Have car? 3) Have goals? If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.

"Flatulence is not an emotion." -me explaining feelings to boyfriend

I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers. America needs a first lady.

I'm in an Uber going 100mph the wrong way on the freeway and the driver's girlfriend keeps calling and screaming at him on speakerphone

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic? Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

I don't date married men. I mean I wouldn't call it dating...

He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

How To Avoid Dating You're too young for me. I'm too young for you. I don't date men my age. Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone when you buy flowers because they're also a snack for later.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

My boyfriend thinks it's cute when I use the clap emoji but I've just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Dating tip: don't mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

"I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat" - me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Just changed my dating profile headline to: "Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives" ...crossing my fingers

Looking for rich sugardaddy to support me so I can support my boyfriend so he can tweet more. *thoughtful romantic tweet*

*stares off into the distance* Distance: I have a boyfriend

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming "That's not what I said!"

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I'm her boyfriend. I'm flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough. 2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be like omg I have a boyfriend :)