#uber

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we'd even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created

In the midst of all this negativity and hate please take comfort in remembering that I have a 5 star uber passenger rating

My mom when I was a kid: "Never talk to strangers." "Never get in their cars." Me to my future kids: "Here's how to order an Uber."

I needed to get a shipment of almonds to the airport quickly. It was so weird to call Uber and ask if they could drive me nuts.

Him: Are you on your way? Me: Yes, this cab driver sucks! *changes outfit for the 6th time, gulps wine and requests an uber*

guard your heart, cater to no man's ego, honor your own time and your energy, don't use uber. happy 2015.

I prefer regular taxis to Uber in NYC cause the driver and I can both treat each other like shit without worrying about getting a bad grade

We need a ride home. "I called a Gruber" Don't you mean an Uber? [villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived. Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls

[interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."

All I want from Uber is to be driven around until I fall asleep, carried over the driver's shoulder into my home, and tucked into bed

I'm in an Uber going 100mph the wrong way on the freeway and the driver's girlfriend keeps calling and screaming at him on speakerphone

i know you kids love uber and airbnb, so today i want to tell you all about the real 'sharing economy.' that's right. communism

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: "Where to?" Me: "oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street."

So UBER is not a dating app? *sigh* I kinda thought all those 'Goodbye' kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

Whenever I get out of an Uber I imagine cameras spinning around me and my shirt blowing up in slo-mo like I'm in a Michael Bay movie.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver. Driver: I don't work for Uber. Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn't I?

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Detective: how were u able to do it? Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

My father complained ""I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."" Dad, you're using Uber.

Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, ""I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."" Then I said, ""Turn Left.