i know you kids love uber and airbnb, so today i want to tell you all about the real 'sharing economy.' that's right. communism

I'm in an Uber going 100mph the wrong way on the freeway and the driver's girlfriend keeps calling and screaming at him on speakerphone

All I want from Uber is to be driven around until I fall asleep, carried over the driver's shoulder into my home, and tucked into bed

[interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."