#nyc

[Weekend in NYC with my wife] Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend? Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

I'm flying to NYC today and I don't care what the flight attendant says, I will be using my seat cushion as a fartation device.

The richest black man in NYC has got to be Duane Reade.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon] HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

I prefer regular taxis to Uber in NYC cause the driver and I can both treat each other like shit without worrying about getting a bad grade

zombies break out in nyc we aint noticing for 4 days because the motto is "MIND YA BUSINESS"

Just overheard a construction worker in NYC very angrily say "there's no way to make brown rice taste good by itself."

Ever wonder where the happiest place in the world is? It's gate 25 @ Kansas City airport after they announce 2hr delay for flight to NYC.

When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there's Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

The NYC smoking ban sucks. Thankfully you can still wear sunglasses indoors, otherwise it'd be impossible to tell who the cool people are.

i legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I'm in NYC

I'm still mad NYC banned the lead paint I used to like sucking off my tenement windowsills. #DontTreadOnMe

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

BREAKING NEWS: Sad story, Justin Bieber's body has been found ALIVE in his NYC apartment. A moment of silence please for The Music Industry.

The Five-Kick Method (long) A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot down the fat bastard. His dog quickly sped off in the direction od the fallen bird. Turns out the duck had fallen just a few feet within the fences of a private property. W…

A blonde walks into a bank in search of a $5000 loan A blonde walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5000 loan. The banker asks ""Okay miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"" The woman replies ""Yes, of course. I would like to use my Rolls Royce."" The banker, stunned, asks, ""A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make …

I thought the big NYC ball was mechanically operated but I guess not. I heard Mariah Carey dropped it last night during her performance.

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

WANRNING LONG! The Monk Joke. There once was a very successful lawyer in NYC. He had a wife and a kid but his life felt meaningless. After months of making more money than most of us will make in a life time he decides it truly just is not fulfilling. He loads up his Beamer and starts to drive. After some time he finds himself in up state New York surrounded by nature. He continues his drive until he happens upon a monastery. Hoping maybe he could find some peace there he stops and gets out of h…

An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village... An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish. ""How long did it take you to catch them?"" The American asked. ""Only a little while."" The Mexican replied. ""Why don't you stay out longer and catch more…

Proto-9/11 humor Okay I originally posted this in an r/AskReddit thread. This one's got a bit of a back story... My dad used to work at a bank in NYC trading currencies back in the 70s/80s. He was in the office one day when the electronic scrolling marquee in the office read ""The Space Shuttle Challenger exploded 90 seconds after take-off: All onboard presumed dead"", before going blank for 15 minutes. The board would usually be scrolling figures and prices all day long and it just went blank. …

I had a conference to get to in The Village in NYC today So I get off the subway and ask a guy how to get to The Village He tells me, ""Just go straight, man"" I told him right back, ""Mind your own business!""

Every time Larry picked up his colleagues in NJ and drove them to NYC, his wrists started hurting. He was diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome.

An Indian man walks into a NYC bank and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India for some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5000 The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. So the Indian man hands over the keys and the documents to his new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. The loan officer consults the president of the bank, and everything checks out to be OK. The loan officer agrees to acce…