#larry

"Look man, I swear to you, as god as my witness..." [God appears from behind dumpster] "I ain't coverin for u anymore Larry, you owe me $30"

Larry the Cable Guy show debuts on History Channel. Hitler says he's thrilled to share his network with his favorite comic.

"Ugh, it's so dark!" *shivers* "And cold! Why is it so huge? It's, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!" - Larry, the worst astronaut

Tom and Larry go to the movies Tom and Larry go see a movie that features a horse race. Tom turns to Larry and says, ""I'll bet you $20 that the white horse wins."" Larry responds, ""No way. I'll take that bet any day."" Unfortunately for Larry, the white horse won. After the movie, Tom says, ""you don't have to pay me. I'd already seen this movie, and now I feel bad about making the bet."" Larry, looking very confused, replies, ""well, so had I, but I didn't think he could do it again.""

Larry Page's note to himself when wife mentions she wants motorola, she means phone.

As Clean As Cold Water Can Get Them Larry went to visit his 86 year old grandfather in a very rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Larry's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon and eggs. Larry noticed a film like substance on his place, and questioned his grandfather asking, ""Are these plates clean?"" His grandfather replied, ""They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal"". For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Larry…

Mary goes to the supermarket... Mary goes to the supermarket, needing eggs and bread. She is particularly fond of potato bread, but she can't reach it, as it is stocked on the top shelf. She sees a taller woman and asks for assistance. The other woman, happy to help, reaches up and grabs the potato bread and hands it to Mary. She thanks her, and the women are on their way. Mary then stops by to get some eggs and runs into the taller lady again. The taller lady introduces herself as Sherri, and s…

I walked in on my best friend Larry banging my wife. I said ""Larry, I gotta', but you?""

Every time Larry picked up his colleagues in NJ and drove them to NYC, his wrists started hurting. He was diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome.

I'm shit at remembering names. But isn't every Tom, Rick, and Larry

Three loggers are killed on the job... Three loggers are killed on the job and trying to get into heaven. St. Peters is bored and decides to play a game with them. Ok boys, he says, you tell me you name and IQ and I'll tell you what you did for a living in the forest. If I'm right, your in. The first guy says my name is Dave and my IQ is 150. St. Peters says ""Dave, you were a handfaller weren't you."" Dave replies ""yes I was"" and hes in. The second guy says I'm Frank and my IQ is 120. St. Pet…

My boss just told me that I'm doing the work of three men... Moe, Larry and Curly

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, ""My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."" Another guy asks, ""What's that?"" The first guy says, ""I am a Single, New Age Guy."" Another guy says, ""My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."" A lady asks, ""What's that?"" He says, ""Double Income, No Kids."" The lady says, ""That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."" Larry asks, ""A WIFE?"" Gertrude says, ""Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.""

Funny story about christmas eve Pastor Tony is walking down the street on Christmas eve when he notices a Larry, a small boy, trying to press the doorbell of a house across the street. However, Larry is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Pastor Tony moves closer to Larry's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives …

What's The Difference Between Larry Hogan And An Iraqi Child? Larry Hogan gets back from the hospital.

My friend Larry says he knows everyone... During President Obama's inauguration, Larry told me, ""You know, Obama and I are buddies."" said, ""Sure you are."" He said, ""No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me."" Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Obama with his arm around the guy. Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I like Jennifer Lawrence. Larry said, ""Oh, she's a good friend of mine.""…

My friend asked me how I became so confident, I told him I play Russian roulette every morning... RIP Larry.

Sam the clam and Larry the lobster are best friends under the ocean... And all they like to do is disco. All day and night, these two would boogey at the local clubs all night and all day. Until, one day, Sam the clam passed away. Larry the lobster was bummed out, but lived out the rest of his life disco dancing, although alone. When Larry the lobster passed, his soul flew straight to heaven, because Larry was a good lobster in life. When he arrived at the pearly gates, the Head Angel met with h…

The Tree Stooges: Moehogany, Cherry, and Curly Maple Alternate for Larry: Larchy

The man who knew everyone A friend of mine named Larry once told me, around the time of Bill Clinton's 2nd inauguration, ""You know, President Clinton and I are buddies."" I said, ""Sure you are."" He said, ""No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me."" Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Clinton with his arm around the guy. Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I admired Johnny Depp as an actor…

Larry is a biologist who prefers to observe his deep-sea specimens up close in the field He works well under pressure

A grasshopper walks into a bar... ...the bartender glances at him and says: ""Hey! We got a drink here named after you!"" And the grasshopper says ""What, Larry?""

John and Larry were out hunting one day. John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out. ""A rattlesnake bit me!"" he yelled. ""Got me right on the wang!"" Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and Larry said, ""My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake! What should I do?"" ""First of all, stay calm,"" said the doctor. ""Do you have a pocket knife?"" ""Yes."" ""Good. Y…

The golfing funeral Larry's wife dies during the week and above his buddies objections he decides to play in his regular Saturday golf game. He says he ought to get out for a bit, golfing is good therapy. As they are set to tee off on 16, which runs along a busy road, a funeral procession passes by. Larry takes off his hat and stands at attention as the funeral procession passes. ""Larry, what are you doing?"" Larry responds, ""We were married for 26 years--at least I ought to show a little resp…

Halfwit Builders Larry and Joe are nailing wood siding on a house. Joe looks over at Larry and is shocked to see him picking the nails from his pouch, one by one, inspecting them, and throw them over his shoulder. Joe yells, ""hey Larry, what-in-the-hell are you doing throwing all those nails away for!?!?"" Larry yells back, ""Don't yell at me, Joe! It's not my fault all of these nails all have the head on the wrong end!"" Joe pulls a nail from his own pouch and looks at it for a second, and yel…