#superman

For people with a gluten allergy, it's kind of like kryptonite, except Superman didn't find a way to mention it in every conversation.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman's parents. Fair is fair.

"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!" "Nope." "A spider? An aardvark?" "Wrong. It's a horse." "Wow. You can't draw for shit."

My wife says I've placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Created by Jews, saves humanity. Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

I think it's important for women to know there are men who stand at urinals and pee with their hands on their hips like they're Superman.

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire] me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on... Superman? her: I did

If you're wearing Superman undies, but she's a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question - probably a bird.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn't worth saving.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as 'a stone's throw from the beach'.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Superman: Kinda sucks you can't fly. Batman: It's okay. Superman: Why? Batman: My planet hasn't exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

"Let's go around the room & name our biggest fears" SUPERMAN: Kryptonite BATMAN: Bats MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct. Poor Superman.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby.

I'm like Superman. When people see me out in public I'm always in the same outfit.

[Wonder Woman shows up] Superman: Is she with you? Batman: I thought she was with you? Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

*phone rings* Wife: Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan* Wife - "....""

Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Me: ha nice try I: excuse me? M: that's how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I'm not stupid.

Society's a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.

Batman V Superman 2: Both men agree their last battle was too destructive They settle their differences by playing Uno Loser leaves earth

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn't become Superman. Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.