#house-and

Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created

When I'm at a friend's house & there are snacks, all I'm thinking is "How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?"

So a duck walks into a chicken house And says ""wtf r u doing here chicken"" then the chicken fires back with ""no wtf r U doing here duck"", woah settle down chicken ""time to get ruff"" says the duck. ""No time for crime"" says the chicken. And they battle to the death as chicken on goers watch this brutal fight between the duck lord chicken bitch.

One man is helping another man move to a new house... Joe is moving to a new house, and he gets his friend Walter to help load some heavy furniture on and off the truck. While Joe is driving the truck, Walter reads a magazine. Walter sees an interesting factoid, and decides to share it with Joe. ""Hey Joe, did you know that 90% of all auto accidents happen within a mile of your house?"" And Joe says ""huh... Well, guess it's a good thing I'm moving then.""

Man and his smoothie A man went to the store and bought a smoothie. He went home and was talking to his wife at the house. He said ""man I love this smoothie, if only there was a way to make it here in my own house."" And his wife replied ""you can, it's called a blender, dumbass."" And he said ""i know about a blender, I was talking about a wife."" Edit: sorry for the WORST joke. I was really under the influence when writing it, I apologize

If a green man lives in a green house... And a purple man lives in a purple house, And a orange man lives in an orange house, Who lives in a white house? A black man.

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, ""Is this a union house?"" ""No, I'm sorry, it isn't,"" said the Madame. ""Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"" he asked. ""The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."" Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the Madame, ""Is t…

This is the story of an Egyptian named... Benny. One day, Benny was strolling along the banks of the Nile, minding his own business. However, he came across an urn, buried in the sand. The urn was all dusty and dented and cracked and bent and generally broken. However, Benny decided to rub the urn with his sleeve, thinking he might be able to get a few coins out of it. But suddenly, out of the urn came a Genie! The genie stretched and yawned and said: "Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! I can't…

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?... ...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't wa…

My grandpa told me this one... So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my…

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar… “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, bec…

I met my new neighbor today I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.” So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have a dog, right?” And I say “yes I do!” He then says “Well logically speaking if you have a dog you likely have kids that wanted a dog, right?” And I say “Yup I have 2 kids!” And h…