#dating

My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall* *Swears to visit wherever it lands* *Aims dart* Map: I have a boyfriend

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat! My comment: So was the Titanic.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

My daughter's boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I'll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I'm pretty sure the cashier thinks I'm making a girlfriend.

Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt* Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

DATING IN THE 1800s 1) Get telegram from Mae 2) Wait to respond. Don't be desperate 3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn't know what to do... What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

It's not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny -- just because your english is gooder than theirs be.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure's off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.

*goes to fabric store* Do you guys have boyfriend material?

You know it's true love when your wife farts in bed & you go in the other room & text your boyfriend "I love you."

My girlfriend treats me like a God. She only calls on me when she needs help with something.

My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day. Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.

Dating tip: Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask "Where should I put this horse?" When she tells you, say no

Hey guurl. "Hey there." Feeling lonely tonight? "I have a boyfriend." Why are you talking to me then? "You haven't taken my order yet."

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents' home

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like "did you get my text?" and you could just be like "I can't read."

Looks like I'm finally going to meet my twitter crush, don't know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

I was touched when my slutty ex-girlfriend said she got a tattoo for me, but it turned out to be a heart with the name "Occupant."

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed] ME: [Crying] this can't be happening GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me