#dating

I've just started an online dating site for Siamese twins. It's called Connect 4.

I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad

In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.

"NO YOU'RE DRUNK," she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend's mom at family dinner.

Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I'm the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

speed dating I'm looking for a girl with fire in her eyes. Her: Hi. My name is Carrie.

After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.

My girlfriend is: - super sweet - light as a feather - pink - melts in my mouth when I eat her - always at a circus - possibly cotton candy

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency? Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED! 911: Have u tried looking in her house? Turtle: oops never mind.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"

All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea. Dating is hard!

If I've learned anything from online dating sites it's that all the single women are on top of mountains.

What makes women who own dogs such hot girlfriend material is that you KNOW that foxy mama is used to picking up turds

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food? Her: Uh, excuse me? Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Dance like nobody's watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn't text you too much. Sing like you didn't struggle with algebra in 9th grade.

Son, your chimpanzee girlfriend is tearing this family apart.

Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend's cat or dog it's like all the appreciation goes out the window.

Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.

crush: i really like music me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed... I put his bed in the kitchen...

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend] Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.

If my girlfriend slept with the whole Wu-Tang Clan, we'd have to break up because I wouldn't be cool enough to date her anymore.