#america

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital.

Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

Can America keep it down? Canada needs to work on Monday.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country's obesity statistics.

If Captain America doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the America I want to live in.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it's the greatest country on earth.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Morbidlly obese preteens at the nail salon are what's wrong with America.

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

In America she's called "Miley" Cyrus, but in other countries she's called "What America would be like if it were a person".

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now? Captain America: Um sure. Spiderman: What should I do? Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.

Captain America: I got the alert, what's the emergency? Avengers: Well, it's snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

My daughter spelled America "Merica" on a book report so now I'm searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President? TRUMP: I'll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks Why? TRUMP: To make America grate again

if america goes the way of greece, we'll be ending all our words with "ous." that's ridiculous! omg, it's already started

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must've been really awkward.

But HOW will u make America great again? Trump: I'll make it like camp. A camp where u concentrate on how great I am. I'll call it a conce-

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776 me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

New rule: Confederate States don't get to pick who sings "God Bless America". We'll fly someone in from up north.