#america

It's not a bad movie, but it is hard to believe a character named Captain America wouldn't be morbidly obese.

Hi Africa, it's America. A guy over here just ate 69 hotdogs in 10 minutes! How's everything going with you?

All I had to do to get back into Twitter was type my credit card number into some web site in Japanese! I'M BACK AMERICA!

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War? Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man. T: ....

Can we just hold the power button down on America and see if that fixes anything?

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

Dear America Would you please take the 's' off the word 'legos' and put it back on the word 'math' where it belongs. Many thanks England

If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.

Ok America. You've made us chuckle with this whole Trump 2016 thing. But if we see Kanye 2020 happen... No. More. SYRUP. Love, Canada

Personally, I think the title of "World Champions" is ridiculous. This is America, we're Universe Champions!

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

On this day in 1947 Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier, whereas Obama did nothing for America in ALL of 1947.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

If we weren't able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Yeah, America is the so called "land of the free", but you try to bring a monkey on board the plane and suddenly everyone's all about rules.

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot

In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

The exchange student A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said ""Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!"" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read ""Dear son, you are embarrassi…

That holocaust joke reminded me of this one I heard about 2 Mexican dudes. 2 Mexican guys move to America from Mexico. They decide to each go their own way and try to adapt to the culture of their new home. A year later they bump into each other. Mexican guy 1: Hey man! Long time no see! How have you been adapting? I got really into NASCAR, I got this American flag tattoo, and I even started my own business! I'm living the American dream! What about you? Mexican guy 2: Go back to Mexico, spic!!

Ill have a pepsi please Four CEO's meet up at a bar. Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says ""the best selling beer in america"" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says ""the best selling beer in Europe"" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say ""probably the best beer in the world"". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have…

A Brit, a Jew and a Canadian. So a Brit, a Jew and a Canadian are sitting in bar. The jew lifts his head from his drink and says, ""I just don't know anymore, does america got talent?""

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars... America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, ""Li…