#america

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Iron Man: I'll hack into their security. Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR! Thor: I'll silence their guards. Captain America: What's a microwave?

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I? "Don't worry. You're home in America" But...I'm Swedish! "World Emperor Trump will explain everything"

"America is getting snow? How cute" -Canadians

Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.

well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America

America has to stop all this violence overseas so we can focus on doing nothing to stop violence back here in America.

Hey U.S.: if every now and then I heard a "God PLEASE bless America", maybe you'd have better luck. #manners

[Trump speaking at rally] I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Ate a burger while reading about the worst burgers in America. Now I'm gonna read about the decline of society while I tweet.

[me telling a joke] guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand. ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.

In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years

Deadpool was Green Lantern Batman was Daredevil Captain America was Human Torch And we're just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

I can't believe other countries are allowed to celebrate the New Year before America. Some superpower we turned out to be.

Bank of America is halting foreclosures in all 50 states as part of an investigation into why 7 people in the U.S. still have homes.

America is there land of opportunity, where if you work hard enough, you can make the business owners rich.

When I get overly proud of America, I simply remember that in 1999 we made Mambo No. 5 a number one hit.

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we're still in the top 10.

Motion to change the country's motto to: "America - we're not that bright."

According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin "i miss america" and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

If Donald Trump thinks America doesn't win anymore, he can tell that to Marvin Walters who won $100,000 playing Fun 5's in the Ohio Lottery!