#america

I invited Alan over for dinner. "Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he's Captain America?" *a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have...

ME: So, where are the Hobbits? GUIDE: Again, that's Middle Earth. This is Central America. ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

Maybe middle America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.

Seriously ppl who eat pizza with a fork & knife? This is America. We shove it in our faces like the rest of the fat people. Get it together.

Forget solar and wind, America should figure out a way to power itself on internet backlash and mock outrage.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

It took America two days to create "anti-WikiLeaks legislation", yet, proper regulation of the financial sector, for example, is awol.

My clothes don't fit anymore. There's only one possibly explanation. America is shrinking my clothes.

Contrary to the rest of America, Twitter runs on drunken.

Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don't even mention Captain America at all.

My kid wants pizza without the crust AND a side of breadsticks. It appears I've given birth to everything that's wrong with America.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn't notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.

I know Tinder is gonna help me meet the right person because all it takes is a mutual like of Virgin America on Facebook.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

a fun pastime in America is driving teenage starlets into utter madness and then enjoying a hearty laugh afterwards

Harry POTter? Hermione GANJer?HufflePUFF?? More like the sorcerer's STONED. Wake up, America, JK Rowling has a hidden agenda.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA? ROCK HARD ABS!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

*Snowstorm on it's way* America - we need to stock up on bread and milk! Canadians - better hit the beer store.

"Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving" "Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids"

"Stop complaining about food Maliki, it could be worse. There are girls in America who had their hair ruined by some rain."

[Donald Trump's election speech] "America, I have only 1 thing to say" *pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher* "YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D"

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island Island Man: oh come on not this again

I wonder if people in China call their crappy plates their "America collection."

I bet sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.