#alan

"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes" CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Alan from Facebook is concerned about "boarder" control and thinks they should "learn our langage"

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves Yoga instructor: True Nutritionist: So wise Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said "death or becoming a pirate king" and he threw my cat Alan at me

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn't lose him Therapist: Not a bad thing Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

I invited Alan over for dinner. "Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he's Captain America?" *a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

*boss stops meeting* Mike, is there something you'ld like to share with the whole group? Me: Nooooo, that's why I whispered it to Alan.

[1st day at work] BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here ME: That's great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan

Is there a big difference between Alan and Robin Thicke Or is it just a blurred line?

The Confession THE CONFESSION Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse,…

The neighbor's note > Hi John, > > This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. > > I haven't been getting …

John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job ...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. ""John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."" Over time it starts to get more and more specific. ""John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k ,take out all of the cash, don't tell Mary, and take the 11:15am flight direct to Vegas..."" Eventually, John can't han…

THE TEXT MESSAGE . Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for …

Alan and Mary lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta, Canada. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Mary if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, ""Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."" So Mary, being the good wife she was, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the co…

Alan Rickman's grave was prepared many days ago... ... They've just been waiting for him to slither-in.

The Queen's legs A local in a small village in England was facing a predicament. He'd just opened a pub, yet came to find that all the names he'd wanted were taken; The Queen's head, The King's Arms, so on so forth. Until he realised nobody had named a pub after the Queen's legs, and as such, he choose to name his pub 'The Queen's legs'. The new barman opened his pub and found it to be quite a success, being the only pub for miles around. Indeed 'The Queen's legs' attracted drinkers from all the…

Man Gets Fired For Prank Postcard Mailed To His Office The story of Alan who was fired by his company from receiving a realistic prank postcard from an anonymous source can tell us that mail pranks can really ruin someone's life. An anonymous person who bought one of the mail pranks from http://sendprankmail.com addressed to Alan at his work for revenge. After going through their website the person knew if he did something at Alan's work place where the next issue with Alan comes up means suspen…

Alan Finkelkraut goes to Israel to die... Alan Finkelkraut, an upstanding member of the Teaneck Jewish community, upon his retirement at the age of 70 from the family furniture business decides that finally the time had come for him to make the move that he couldn't have before - to move to Israel where he can end his days. Over a smorgasbord of pickled herring and gefilte fish Alan Finkekraut announced his intentions to all his relatives and friends: ""With my retirement the time has finally co…

Two buddies went hunting.. There were two buddies, Alan and Dave, who decided to go hunting. They drove for well over an hour, and walked into the woods for about an hour more, when suddenly Dave collapsed. Alan panicked, and immediatly rang 911 and told the lady: *You gotta help me, Dave just died!*. The lady at the other end calmly said: *Calm down sir. Now, can you go and make sure that he is infact dead?*. Alans end of the line got quiet for a little bit until a loud **bang** was heard. Some…

Alan Will and Andrew Way met in college.. Soon they became the best of friends and were inseparable. But after college they fell upon hard times and had to resort to robbing people. In one such robbery Alan shot a woman and was sent to jail. When his case came up in court, Alan readily confessed to his crimes. The Public Prosecutor was not convinced that this was a one man job. Andrew was also presented before the court. After merciless grilling by the prosecutor Andrew also confessed to being a…

The winter in Gull Lake Alberta . . . Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, ""Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."" So Sandra, being the good wife, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then wal…

Candidate, with lisp, interviews for executive position at Citibank Interviewers: ""Alan, where do you see yourself ten years from now?"" Alan: ""Running shitty bank.""

Teacher: Why do you want to work in a bank Alan? Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it sir.

Penitent Parrot A young man named Alan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Alan tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, Alan was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Alan shook the par…