#israel

Israel has an Olympic skier in Vancouver which makes me wonder if he thinks it's a shalom competition.

*Cookie Monster finishes cookie, looks into camera* ME WANT TO TALK ABOUT ISRAEL

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I'll kill you ISRAEL [hasn't had a day off in 400 years]: awesome! GOD: what ISRAEL: we mean...oh no so hard

Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria's trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU'RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.

I'm shocked that not one dairy farmer in Israel has thought to call his company "Cheeses of Nazareth"!

Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants

A Jewish man has a son... ...and he is very disappointed in his son's lack of interest in their faith. So he decides to send his son to Israel to learn a thing or two about Judaism. When the son returns, the father asks ""did you have a good trip?"" ""So great, Dad. I learned so much, saw some great historical landmarks, and even learned some Hebrew!"" The father was quite pleased. Then the son said ""and I also became a Christian!"" The father, being quite distraught, decided he needed some gui…

Cave Excavation A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1. a woman 2. a donkey 3. a shovel 4. a fish 5. a Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to stu…

A violinist goes to Israel to play a concert... The violinist goes along with his concert and plays to the best of his ability. When he was finished, he rose up and gave a bow. The crowd roared in applause, but from the back of the crowd a man yelled, ""Play it again!"" Honored by this request, the violinist obliged, and played his piece again. When he finished, the crowd again roared with applause. The man in the back of the audience proclaimed once more, ""Play it again!"" Knowing he was press…

Two Old Ladies There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, ""want a smoke?"" She replies, ""Here? How?"" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. The second one asks, ""What's that?"" ""Oh? You don't know? It's a condom!"" They smoke, relax, and enjoy themselves. After they've been floating for a while, the second old lady says, ""And…

Golf Match. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness,"" said one of the Cardinals, ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry,"" said the Cardinal, ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We…

Moses is walking down the mountain with the ten commandments... ... as he looks over them he thinks this is just too much to ask a society to do all at once. He has a plan! Just go around the world and give out one commandment at a time. So he travels to France. ""Hello people of France, I want to give you a commandment from God."" The French say ""Okay we're listening."" Moses replies ""Thou shall not commit adultery!"" The French look at him and say ""It's okay we don't need a commandment righ…

A black guy, a Jew, a Mexican, and a racist white Southerner are waiting at a bus stop... ...when all of a sudden a genie comes along. He says, ""Well, we've got some time before the bus comes so why don't I grant you all one wish."" So the Jew pipes up and says, ""My one true wish is that all of my people be able to live in peace together in Israel."" The genie snaps his fingers, and BAM! Done. Next the Mexican says, ""Really I wish that all of my people can live in prosperity in Mexico."" Agai…

Four passengers in a little Cessna. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Palestinian and an Israelite are in a small airplane. Suddenly, one of the engines fails and as a result, the plane starts to lose altitude rapidly. The pilot explains over the intercom that the remaining engine does not have enough power to keep the plane in the air. Which is not good, seeing that there is nothing but sea beneath them for several hundred miles in any direction. So the pilot instructs the passengers to throw any u…

Interpretation A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall. The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem, he says. The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If f…

""I already know Russian"" A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says ""What are you reading old man?"" The old man says ""I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."" KGB says ""Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."" ""I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven."…

Why doesn't ISIS attack Israel? Same reason children don't attack their parents...

Everyone keeps telling me that the holocaust happened.. But I don't know if it Israel.

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.... ...Picking up the phone, he spoke ""Hebrew.""

Two Jewish Mothers Talking About Their Sons... ...And one of them says ""I sent my son to Israel and he has come back a Christian."" The other Jewish mother listens, thinks for a moment and says, ""That's odd. I sent my son to Israel and he returned as a Christian."" So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said ""T…

The geography of men and women. The geography of a woman: Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman i…

The geography of women.. Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glor…

What's Israel favorite martial arts style? Jew-jitsu

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, ""That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."" So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listene…