#abraham

[God is taking a nap] Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

""I already know Russian"" A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says ""What are you reading old man?"" The old man says ""I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."" KGB says ""Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."" ""I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven."…

Two Jews working in a shop. One of them asks: -Abraham, how much is 13 times 8? -Are we buying or selling?

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's …

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's …

Who was the stretchiest man in The Bible? Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and walked up a mountain.

On day in heaven A person died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" Saint Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. ""Oh,"" said the woman, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Whose clock is that?"" ""Th…

A Man Dies A man dies and goes to heaven, and as he passes the gates a wall of clocks emerge. St. Peter appears, ""Welcome to heaven!"" he exclaims, the man still confused by the clocks asks, ""What are all these clocks doing in heaven?"" St. Peter explains, ""These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move one notch."" The man intrigued, points and asks, ""Whose clock is that?"" St. Peter replies, ""That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has no…

Lie Clocks A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that on…

A man died and went to heaven... ...As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all these clocks doing here?"". St. Peter answered, ""This is the wall of Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth possesses a lie clock, and every time you lie, the hand on the clock moves."" ""Oh"" said the man, ""Whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"". ""Incredible"" said th…

The Old Jew. One day an old jewish man, after many years of work running a small dime store, is eventually about to die. Before he passes away all his family is gathered around his deathbed. Slowly he asks : ""Are you here, my wife, Ahouva ?"". ""Yes I am."" his wife answered. ""Are you here my elder son, Abraham ?"" The old man continued. ""Yes I am, father."" his son replied. ""Are you here, Adiel ?"" ""Yes I am, father"" The younger child replied. ""Is Lavi here ?"" ""Yes he is"" one replied.…

The True Origin of the Internet In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.' And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ""Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags shor…

An old Jewish couple is going to bed The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him: - Abraham, why can't you fall asleep? The husband responds: - I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time. The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it: -Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back! Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says: - If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

Germans aren't that smart Back in WWI, the Germans and the Americans were fighting in opposite trenches. After 5 days without a single shot fired the Americans came up with a plan to sniff out the Germans. They decided to yell a typical German name and if someone responded, they would shoot him. So a solider shouts ""Hey Friedrich"" ""Ja?"" Bang! they shoot him. They do it again. ""Heinrich!"" ""Ja"" Bang! he dies. After several names are yelled and after several German soliders are killed, the …

A man went to heaven... So a man in the hospital died of a sickness and went up to heaven. Before he could enter he had to go to a sort of office building, he noticed the office walls were covered in clocks. He asked the angel working at the desk, ""What are these clocks for?"" To which the angel replied, ""These clocks move 1 minute for every lie someone tells or told."" The man points to a clock, ""Whose is this?"" The angel tells him, ""This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, it has only moved 2 min…

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie- Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie- Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln…

I demand to see Mohamed!! Yousuf died and was sent on up to heaven. As he approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter approached him to welcome him in. Yousuf politely told him ""Thank you very much, Saint Peter. As you may be aware, I am a Muslim, and would really appreciate being greeted by Mohamed."" Saint Peter replied, ""Certainly, if that's your wish. Take the staircase on your left and go up"". Approaching the top of the staircase, Yousuf was met by Abraham, waiting to welcome him into Heave…

Mittens keeping it cool. A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, ""These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."" Pointing to one, the man says, ""Whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's,"" St. Peter answers. ""The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" the man responds. ""And whose clo…

A Mother's Quotes PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: ""I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: ""I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: ""After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: ""Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. Bu…

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.' And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ""Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply sa…

Abraham wanted a new suit so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham then measured the cloth and then smiled and said ""There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers a coat and a vest please come back in a week to take your suit."" After a week Abraham…

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street. ""Well Morrie how's your warehouse business going?"" . ""Oy vey Abraham it's not going so good we had a flood last week."" ""So Morrie"" whispers Abraham ""How do you start a flood?"".

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. ""George what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Set an honest and honorable example just as I did"" advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ""Tom what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Cut taxes and reduce the size of government"" advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and s…

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class ""Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?"" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said ""whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars"". All of the kids called out their guesses. One said ""George Washington - because he was the father of our countr…

A man died and went to heaven.. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "That's Abraham Lincoln's cl…