#david

I'm glad David married me for my brains. My glorius, perky, bouncy brains.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer's eyes] "I'm afraid I only like you as a Friend"

"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"

don't hate robert altman's 1992 satirical comedy "the player" hate david fincher's 1997 psychological thriller "the game"

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

*admires David at the museum* I can't believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

"Who's on first?" "David." "Cool." -Abbott and Costello's first draft

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?

Dear waiter, You messed up my order because you didn't write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip. Love, David

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A DOG'S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

[meeting aboard the ISS space station] Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please Me trying to open a window cos it's stuffy: in a minute

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature's best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

david guetta feat. the person who sings the whole song

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough's bedroom* ATTENBOROUGH: What the- WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

Cave Excavation A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1. a woman 2. a donkey 3. a shovel 4. a fish 5. a Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to stu…

David & Michael were lost in a desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque. David: ""Michael, let's pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food or water. I will be Ahmed."" Michael refused to change his name. The both reached the mosque and the Imam received them well and asked their names. David: ""My name is Ahmed."" Michael: ""My name is Michael."" The Imam turned to his helpers and said: ""Please bring food and water for Michael."" Then he turned to David an…

GUESS WHO!? It's Monday morning and the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. ""Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments. David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday…

Tommy Cooper joke via David Sylvian out of Japan [From Guardian interview with David Sylvian](http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2012/mar/08/david-sylvian-gentlemen-polaroids-viagra?intcmp=ILCMUSTXT9387): > I like the old Tommy Cooper joke, the one that goes: Guy walks into a pet shop and says, ""I'd like to buy a wasp."" And the shop owner says, ""I'm sorry sir, but we don't carry wasps."" ""Well that's funny, there's one in the window.""

It was just a misunderstanding My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip. ""Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f???ers."" Wife: ""er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f???er?"" David: ""Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"" Wife: ""but who said they were called, er, f???ers?"" David: ""that was our teacher. Well actually she called them ""effers,"" but we all knew what she meant.""

Interpretation A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall. The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem, he says. The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If f…

My buddy, David, had his ID stolen while on a business trip in Prague... ...now we just have to call him Dav.

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip. He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, ""wait a minute, why Detroit?"" David answers, ""Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"" Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him ""Yeah, i know that one."" ""Well, I missed and hit the trash can.""

An anti-Semite walks into a bar and sits down. He sees a man sitting at a table nearby wearing a Star of David and doesn't like it. ""Bartender!"" he says, nodding at the Jew, ""A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The man looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back and tips his glass. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. ""Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"" He looks…