#michael

BOSS: Okay, let's do this. What names are you pitching? COWORKER: Hannah Montana ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts BOSS: Michael you're fired

Hi I'm michael cera and this is jackass [blows on his yogurt to make sure it's not to hot]

*walks up to Michael Cohen's door* "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Says." "Says who?" "THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM."

"Annie are you ok?" -yep "Are you ok?" -dude, I just said yes "Are you ok Annie?" -THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

So I'm Calling random stores & saying "Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places...

I will never be okay with how Michael is spelled.

Bay: come over Me: no, I'm watching TMNT Bay: I made one too Me: but it's awful Bay: come watch it Me: who gave you my number, Michael

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

A man left a letter for his wife on the dining table The letter read: ""To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset...I shall be home before midnight."" When th…

Two Christians Were walking in the desert.... They began to feel very hungry and thirsty. Then they saw a nearby mosque. Their names were Chris and Michael and Chris suggested to change names to Muslim names so they would give them food. Chris changed his to Ahmed but Michael refused and didn't change it. They approached the Sheikh of the mosque and the Sheikh asked "" What are your names?"" Chris replied ""My name is Ahmed and this is Michael"" The Sheikh quickly stood up and said ""Quickly get…

David & Michael were lost in a desert, dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque. David: ""Michael, let's pretend we are Muslims. Otherwise, we will not get any food or water. I will be Ahmed."" Michael refused to change his name. The both reached the mosque and the Imam received them well and asked their names. David: ""My name is Ahmed."" Michael: ""My name is Michael."" The Imam turned to his helpers and said: ""Please bring food and water for Michael."" Then he turned to David an…

Teacher persuasion, failed. The children had all been photographed for their high school picture, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ""Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,"" There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or ""That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ""And there's the teacher. She's dead.""

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.

a kid at school the teacher told the students... ""i will let you out of class early if you get the next questions right""...... first question.. what is the capital of texas..... michael raised his hand and said AUSTIN she let him go.... a few seconds later johnny threw a peice of paper at the teacher and hit her in the face... she got mad and asked WHO THREW THAT johnny said I DID and took off cuz he got the answer right..... feak...

An Email Exchange **An Email Exchange Between A Husband and A Wife On Friday Afternoon :** >*My Dear Wife,* > I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, unfortunately, I have certain needs that you can no longer fulfill. >Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 21 year old personal assistant at the Sheraton as a personal insult. >Please don't be upset----I shall be hom…

Manners In one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: ""Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"" Michael said, ""Just a minute I have to go pee."" The teacher responded by saying, ""That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it. ""Peter said, ""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right bac…

Michael is very shy and has low self-esteem because he is missing an eye, and his poor parents could only afford a wooden false eye. He doesn't have many friends, and he's terrified of girls, although there is one girl he has his eye on. Her name is Betsy, and she has a hair-lip. The school dance is coming up in a few days, and it seems like absolutely everyone has a date. Everyone, that is, except for him and Betsy. It takes him quite awhile, but finally he works up the courage to approach her.…

What do you call a fox that can't stop shaking? Michael

An old man is on his death bed... An old man is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over the country to be with him in his final hours. He opens his eyes, and says ""Is Ruthie here? My beautiful, loyal wife?"" ""Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!"" Ruthie replies He continues, ""...and what of my strapping boy, who always made me proud? Is he here, with that lovely wife of his?"" ""Yeah pops, we're right here"" ""...and what about those two grandkids of mine? The Micha…

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning... My dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19 year old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight. *When the man ca…

A teacher trying to teach good manners ... A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: ""Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"" Michael said: ""Just a minute I have to go pee."" The teacher responded by saying: ""That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"" Sherman said: ""I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be…

People in my office have this strange habit of naming their food... Yesterday, I had a sandwich named ""Michael"".

If you have 10 apples and Michael takes 6. What colour is Michael?

But what is Vsauce? You are in a room with Michael. Michael is staring into your eyes. His lips part. He speaks the sweet, golden words. ""But... what are, eyes?"" His head tilts slightly downwards, and to the left. His eyebrow raises slightly. He gestures with his hands. He goes on a tangent about eyeballs... ...and mentions how they contain vitreous humour He stares into your eyes. ""But... what *is* vitreous humour?"" His eyebrow raises further. The skin begins to split. His smile widens. He …

Michael Jackson's last words ""Take me to the children's hospital.""