#texas

When in Texas... *heads into the desert* *hugs cactus* *shoots said cactus* *rides off into the sunset on horseback*

I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them I have a problem.

The only upside to Trump's big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy's Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

If you draw a picture of a butthole on the questionnaire, there's a 95% chance you'll get out of jury duty. Would be 100%. But, Texas.

Hey Texas, in Florida it's legal to abort other people's kids up to 17 years.

I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don't worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space. CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola. Me: They have Ebola?

Texas. Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet 1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool

Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge

My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"

woah. you can say "Houston we have a problem" in messy situations that have nothing to do with astronauts or texas? this changes everthing

Chainsaws: because "The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre" just wasn't scary enough

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

In Texas you're allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I'd host sooo many parties

I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas.

heres my To Do List - become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

If you order a salad in Texas, you get a bowl of ranch dressing with a chunk of iceberg lettuce, 89 croutons & a chicken fried steak on top.

Say at cat 'Im rubbin ur belly' while rubbin belly, 'Im pattin ur head' while pattin head, else never learns anatomy, becomes Texas senator

Texas principal: If that's a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it? Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

I spend 90% of my time in Texas doing u-turns under highway overpasses trying to get somewhere I can see but can't drive to for some reason.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.