#california

Thanks for painting the cell towers green so they look like trees, California, but can you paint the homeless like pavement next?

Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote "California" for ethnicity on her clinic forms.

I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.

Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. What a sad state of affairs.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags. People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

As a California resident, I know autumn and Christmas are coming only because of the change in the featured Starbucks flavors.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

I think most people in California replaced being polite with putting avocado in everything they eat.

When summer comes and California starts burning, try to act surprised.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you. Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair. (silence)

"What rhymes with California?" -Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song writing session ever

Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Twitter. "...you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave..."

Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge

If Oedipus was alive today he would've killed his mother for nagging and moved to California and married his father.

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California. Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too? Me: and Saturn.

In California, there's just "pot" at the end of the rainbow.

Just heard they're investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT'S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

California is the best state. The nerds make the apps and the agents make the moving pictures. We keep the idiots happy. Give us your water.

*checking out of Hotel California* You can check-out any time you like "Okay yes, now" But you can never leave! "Ugh where's your manager"

My heart goes out to the teenage girls in California who, due to the drought, can no longer take "unusually long" baths like we did

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

In California... Did you know that in California you cannot take a picture of a woman with a basket of strawberries? ...you need a camera because strawberries do not take pictures.

Yet another damn genie joke A man is walking on the beach in California when he trips over a lamp in the sand. A genie emerges and says, ""You've freed me after being in that lamp for a thousand years! In gratitude, I will give you one wish."" The man thinks for a bit and says, ""You know, I'd like to visit Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of boats and airplanes. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii?"" ""Come on, buddy, I've been in a lamp for a thousand years; I want to get out and see the world. …

So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long) So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember…