#white-house

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there's another reason I don't run.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour] O: and here's the toaster, it tends to stick so don't be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

Sir, your resume is just a picture of you photoshopped into a quidditch match. No need for an interview, welcome to the White House

So, if he gets divorced for the third time... Does Melania get to keep the White House?

We can't afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

My mate John knows everyone in the world Just cross-posting this from over on /r/AskReddit My mate John claims to know everyone in the world. Last week, we were in the pub, and he was bragging about it. ""Not everyone, though, John!"" I said. He said ""Wait a minute"", pulled out his phone, and made a call. Next thing you know, we're in a taxi on the way to Buckingham Palace. We pull up outside, the guard waves us through, saying ""Hi John!"", and we stop at the front door. Prince Phillip answer…

Say Bubba, do you know.... *One of my favorite Bubba jokes* Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, ""You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ""OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"" ""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, ""Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend c…

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian. Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them: Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism. Jimmy Carter said ""you know, in our country we have prote…

So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long) So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember…

President Obama and the old man One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, ""I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."" ... The Marine looks at the man and says, ""Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."" The old man says, ""Okay,"" and walks away. The following day the same man approaches the White House…

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees ""Donald Trump Sucks"" written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells ""Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where we…

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event. ""A hundred thousand people?"" Trump asks, ""Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?""

Trump and Pence are laughing amongst themselves at a White House dinner... A senator is watching them from a few tables away and wonders what they keep laughing about. Later, he approaches them and asks, ""I've been watching you guys for a while now and you keep laughing amongst yourselves. What could be so funny?"" Trump replies, ""We're going to start World War 3."" Puzzled, the senator asks, ""How are you going to do that?"" Trump replies, ""We're going to kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist…

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time? I am not a cook

sad, but true and funny! Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ""Well,"" he says, ""I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."" The Tennessee contract…

Obama's no longer President January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: ""I want to see President Obama."" Very patiently the guard says: ""He's not President anymore."" The old man quietly walks away. January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: ""I want to see President Obama."" Same guard says: ""He's not President anymore."" The old man quietly walks away. January 23 same old man walks up to the gate and says: ""I want to see President Obama.""…

What was white outside and black inside? The White House.

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House... Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million. Trump goes back to the Chinese and asks ""why 3 million?"" The Chinese say ""1 million for the paint, 1 million for the labor, and 1 million profit."" He then goes t…

The new Trump Administration is re-doing the voice mail prompts at the White House... Thank you for calling the White House. For English, press 1. <silence>

Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy... Lives in the White House.

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter.... ... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it: 370HSSV 0773H All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter. One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help…

A white supremacist, racist, and antisemite walk into a bar Oh wait, that's the White House

The blue man lives in the blue house, the yellow man lives in the yellow house, the purple man lives in the purple house. Who lives in the White House? The orange man.