#chicago

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint "Welcome to chicago" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

On my way to Chicago. Anybody need anything? Hot dog? Deep dish pizza? Bull's Jersey? A lock of Oprah's hair?

Chicago is definitely the windy city. A man in a fur suit and fur hat just asked me if I've been blown today.

From a Southwest Airlines employee ""Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, s…

Pack your Bags A woman was going to Los Angeles from New York City for an extended stay. With permission from the airline was permitted to bring five pieces of luggage. As the clerk was starting to take the luggage, the woman says, ""I would like you to send the first bag to Miami, the second bag to Chicago, the third bag to Dallas, the fourth bag to Phoenix and the fifth bag to Seattle."" The clerk says looks at her for a second, then types a few things in his computer, then looks back at the w…

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced... and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. ""So, is it Mama or Papa?"" the Judge asks. ""Mama and Papa beat me,"" says Baby Bear. ""Well do you have any other relatives?"" asked the Judge. ""I have an uncle in Chicago,"" replies Baby Bear. ""Does he beat you too?"" asks the Judge. ""Naww,"" says Baby Bear. ""The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.""

Newlyweds on a train. A pair of newlyweds are taking an overnight train to Chicago, and they're each on a top bunk, separated by the aisle. In the middle of the night, the husband hisses, ""baby! Baby, why don't you come on over here!"" The girl giggles, ""oh, but how can I get all the way over there?"" The man says, ""ahhh, well...I got somethin' pretty firm that you can walk over on!"" And a voice from the bunk below them says, ""yeah, but how's she gonna get *back?*""

A Touching Elephant Story In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife,…

True story at a funeral. This is a story rather than a joke, but there's a funny part. This probably belongs in r/funny but I'm posting it here because in my reddit experience, those folks have a very narrow sense of humor (Leno/Foxworthy type stuff) - and I wanted to give a bit of a laugh to people. I also apologize to more sensitive readers because this is a story relating to my father's death. I'm not looking to bum anyone out, just pass on a funny that happened during a really bad time, that…

Beware of young bull elephants for they may not know what they do. In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked…

sad, but true and funny! Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ""Well,"" he says, ""I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."" The Tennessee contract…

So a man from Chicago goes on vacation... A man from Chicago goes on vacation to Florida for the winter, but his wife is on a business trip and will be meeting him in Florida the day after he gets there. The man gets to the hotel and decides to send his wife an email saying he got to the hotel safely. However, he can't remember his wife's email. He guesses and gets it wrong by one letter. He types and sends the email, and it is sent to an elderly woman whose husband died the day before. She read…

Silent Treatment [Long] A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, ""Please wake me at 5:00 am"". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about t…

About Three Contractors Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ""Well,"" he says, ""I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."" The Tennessee contracto…

Chicago really is the windy city. After all, they did just win de World Series

Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908 In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck. Tragic, especially considering they didn't exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades. The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they're standing around in jackets. ""Not hot enough for you?"" asked the Devil. ""What, this? Nah, this is like a Spring day in …

Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight... At least act like you've been there before.

What does a Chicago cop say after emptying his clip into a fleeing suspect? ""Stop. Police.""

We finally have definitive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead. He just registered to vote in Chicago.

We now finally have proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead He just registered to vote in Chicago

A pair of lifelong friends play golf and go to Hooters Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. ""Where you wanna go?"" ""Hooters."" ""Why?"" ""Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."" ""OK."" Ten years later at 40, they play. ""Where you wanna go?"" ""Hooters."" ""Why?"" ""Well, you know, they …

One day during a ghost-hunters convention... One day during an annual ghost-hunter convention held in Chicago, an older gentleman sat in the audience. The spokesperson for the event proceeded to ask the audience several questions about their experiences with the paranormal. He first asked,"" how many of you have seen a ghost?"" The old man and just about everyone in the audience raised their hands. ""Ok. Wow it looks like everyone has seen one,"" he says. Surprised by this, he continues asking m…

Pope Francis gets a new car. He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV. When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. ""Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"" What are you supposed to say when the Pope asks that? ""Sure thing,"" says the driver. He hops in back and Francis gets behind the wheel. Francis is a little unused to all that engine power so they're lurching arou…